From an Army Wife and Navy Mom

The Thief of Joy

2012-02-13T16:17:00.000-08:00

Author, Jon Gordon, shared the below on his Facebook the other day.

"COMPARISON is the thief of joy." Embrace your uniqueness, be grateful for what you have and live the life only you were created for.

After a quick google, I learned the quote was actually said by Theodore Roosevelt.

During my google time I came across a blog post, The Trouble With Blogging, by Amy Lynn Andrew. In it she writes:

You are who you are for a reason. You are where you are a for a reason. Don’t do what I do and beat yourself up for not being where someone else is. It’s a colossal waste of time.

Appreciate everyone else’s outside, but embrace your inside.

How true! "Embrace your inside." I love that!!

I know I spend way too much time comparing myself to other. I did it as I was writing this post...when I came across the blog I just shared (by Amy) I immediately compared myself to how much better she expressed herself on this topic, so why should I bother.

But, then I re-read her blog post and found this statement, "Never forget that their story and their journey and their choices apply to them, not to you."

Her story, her journey applies to her, not to me. So, then why am I trying to compare myself and feeling as though I'm a nothing and she's a something?

A Facebook friend shared a picture on her wall and part of the text on the picture said, "God made you the way you are for a reason."

And, then I stumbled upon this quote, "Today you are You, that is truer than true. There is no one "alive who is Youer than You.” - Dr. Seuss

Why am I sharing all these with you? Quite honestly, I'm including them as I need to hear them. I needed to write them to truly feel them and allow them to take rest in my mind.

As part of a Romans 12 campaign are Church has started, I'm reading the book, "Living on the Edge: Dare to Experience True Spirituality," by Chip Ingram. Because I'm horrible with my use of descriptive words I will just say, WOW!

In the book he shares from John 10:10, "The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy."

Don't let the thief still your joy!!! Instead...

Do not confirm to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God's will is--his good, pleasing and perfect will. - Romans 12:2

I know I've shared with you primarily quotes and scripture in this particular post, but I hope whether
comparison is your thief of Joy, or if the thief comes in some other fashion, that these words resonated with you.

It look me several days to get through this post, as that thief kept creeping in. Comparison is truly one of my greatest thief's of my joy, but I know more than ever that I'm ready to "be transformed."

I can't remember where I found this, but, "Today you have every reason to be confident, because His presence accompanies you all the days of your life!"

Being Authentic

2012-02-09T17:57:00.000-08:00

It's been a while since I've written...but, there has been much going on. A lot of focus on simply becoming healthier. I've contemplated taking a rest from blogging, or possibly even moving more towards a dairy or a non-published blog. I'm still thinking that through. But, at the same time I think part of my recovery or part of growing is continuing to learn to be vulnerable...to be authentic. To speak the truth, and not be ashamed to share.

There is a part of me that is so ashamed to admit that I still struggle with an eating disorder. I feel ashamed that for so long I've lied. But, there is something I can say with absolute certainty, there is a huge sense of release, of freedom, each time I verbally admit that this is still a struggle for me. There really is something to be said for being authentic. Something happens when you just let it out. I'm not quite sure how to describe it. Maybe that it brings peace.

I came across the following piece of scripture yesterday, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness."...For when I am weak, then I am strong. - 2 Corinthians 12:9-10

WOW! Powerful!!

Yesterday I had to go to the dentist. For someone who struggles with bulimia, a dentist should be my best friend...but, trust me...I have avoided a dentist for way too long. Primarily out of shame. But, it's time to get healthy. To the dentist I went, and well...that dentist (or at least his hygienist) is going to become my best friend as I will be visiting quite frequently for a while. They basically laid out a five year plan to restore my dental health. What I really wanted to say about this dentist appointment is before I opened my mouth I looked at the hygienist and said, "I have something I have to be honest about." Opening up about my bulimia at that moment was HUGE. A huge, huge step. What was wonderful was that I wasn't condemned or scolded. Instead, I was comforted and told, "how brave of you to share."

What I'm gradually learning, it's okay to expose our weaknesses. We all have them.

I'm sorry to those close to me that are learning of my weakness through this blog. I'm sorry if it hurts that I'm not confronting you directly to share. But, I promise, if you were to ask me how I'm doing when we are together I will do my best to be authentic. I promise, I'm tired of the lies.

Last weekend, on Super Bowl Sunday to be exact, I was having a difficult day. There are certain days that the anxiety associated with fighting my eating disorder (resisting my devil) feels like more than I can handle. I was sitting at our kitchen table trying to enjoy the ribs that my husband had spent most of the day making...and my emotions got the best of me. I started crying. I was trying to explain the emotions I was feeling at that very moment to someone that is becoming a big part of helping me to believe in the truth of God's promise.

The tears were for so many things. Tears from years and years of lies and living in secret with my eating disorder. They were tears of defeat...oh how that devil most have enjoyed the fact that I have believed his words instead for so long. But, then, they became tears for a new life. A new life of walking with God.

2 Chronicles 15:2 - "The Lord is with you when you are with him. If you seek him, he will be found in you."

I tried to explain that while the tears represented years of pain, they also represented the joy before me, wait...the joy right in front of me. As some would call it, I had an "aha moment." I saw the loving eyes of my husband trying to comfort me. I saw God's grace...His grace was reflected as I watched my husband light up when talking about an all day men's conference he attended at our church the day before. His grace was reflected when that evening of the men's conference my husband played in the car on our way to dinner a song called, "10,000 Reasons" by Matt Redman.

"Bless the lord oh my soul
Oh my soul
Worship his holy name
Sing like never before
Oh my soul
I worship your holy name"

His grace is so wonderfully reflected in the happiness of my children...in how they have grown into such amazing young men. I know they don't see it, but I truly see God's grace in their lives.

I've shared the lyrics to this song several times already, and I can't help but to share again because I find them so powerful. They are from the song, "Divine Romance," by Phil Wickham

The fullness of Your grace is here with me
The richness of Your beauty’s all I see
The brightness of Your glory has arrived
In Your presence God, I’m completely satisfied

For You I sing I dance
Rejoice in this divine romance
Lift my heart and my hands
To show my love, to show my love

This quote was shared on Facebook today, and it really hit home for me...“If you get the inside right, the outside will fall into place.” - Eckhart Tolle

Yesterday...and, Today

2012-01-26T15:15:00.000-08:00

Yesterday (1/25)

I hate those mornings when you know you obviously woke up on the wrong side of the bed and your temperament is less than pleasant. I realize this but I'm still unable to turn that switch. My husband woke up late, or simply just got up later, and that ten minutes and change to my morning routine has me thrown. I'm usually up at 530 am every morning, jump in the shower and by the time I get out coffee is ready. I make myself a small breakfast and then sit down for my morning time devoted to reading the Bible.

That is not how this morning went and...well, it has thrown me. I still tried to focus on reading something out of the Bible, but it didn't work.

I could be completely honest and share that my growing count for the number of days of resisting my devil (my eating disorder) came to an end last night. Could it be the feeling of failure that has me thrown today? Today is a new day...one day at a time right? The count simply just starts over again.

I have a post-it note on my computer at work that reads, "The Lord is with you when you are with him. If you seek him, he will be found by you." - 2 Chronicles 15:2

Also, hanging up in my office is, "So then, just as you received Christ Jesus as Lord, continue to live your lives in him, rooted and built up in him, strengthened in the faith as you were taught, and overflowing with thankfulness." - Colossians 2:6-7.

You see...I need these reminders. I need them constantly. I need the presence of God in my life always. I know he is the answer to the inner peace that I'm desperately in need of.

But, today I feel lost. A perfect time to turn to God then, right? Why instead do I feel as though today I'm trying to keep him at a distance?

My mind is bouncing and I feel as though there is much I want to share with you today, but then a part of me is questioning what I'm trying to accomplish through this blog. Am I doing this for the wrong reasons? What were my reasons in the first place? Am I exposing myself beyond what might be appropriate? Is it making a difference? Does it matter?

Today, my mind is filled with doubt. I feel lost.

Today (1/26)

Oh, what love, oh, what love
Oh, what love, oh, what love
In joy and pain
In sun and rain
You're the same
Oh, You never let go
-David Crowder Band

While yesterday started out not so good, I realized as the day played out that God was at work in me. He "never let go." And, it turned out to be a very good day.

Yesterday I felt lost. But, God said..."I will direct your steps." -Proverbs 3:5-6
Yesterday I felt alone. But, God said..."I will never leave you nor forsake you." -Hebrews 13:5

Today, while I know there will be days when my mind may fill with doubt, or I feel lost, I know more than ever that this is when God is drawing me even closer to him.

“Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest." - Matthew 11:28

I will leave you with this message, which I got from a new book I've moved on to, which is also written by John Eldredge, called, "Epic: The Story God Is Telling." (by the way, the book is only 63 pages and well worth the read.)

It is a world of magic and mystery, of deep darkness and flickering starlight. It is a world where terrible things happen and wonderful things too. It is a world where goodness is pitted against evil, love against hate, order against chaos, in a great struggle where often it is hard to be sure who belongs to which side because appearances are endlessly deceptive. Yet for all its confusion and wildness, it is a world where the battle goes ultimately to the good, who live happily ever after, and where in the long run everybody, good and evil alike, becomes known by its true name...That is the fairy tale of the Gospel with, of course, one crucial difference from all other fairy tales, which is that the claim made for it is that it is true, that it not only happened once upon a time but has kept on happening ever since and is happening still. (Frederick Buechner, Telling the Truth)

Today, I choose Love!

Gifts from God

2012-01-19T17:03:00.000-08:00

A year ago today my son began his new life adventure to become a U.S. Sailor. The memories of that day remain very clear in my mind. It was probably one of the hardest days as a mother, but also one that was full of pride. Standing there that day and watching his bus take off and knowing it would be 8 weeks before I saw his face again, I wasn't sure if I would survive, but I did. We both did! I was more sure about him surviving at the time than I was about myself.

There is one thing I know for certain, I wouldn't have survived without the friendships formed with other moms and wives going through the exact same experience. God Bless N4Ms!! And, I wouldn't have survived without my now future daughter-in-law. My usual source of strength is my husband...but he was also completing training with the Army at this time so to say the least, my emotions were a bit all over the place.

My other source of strength...letters home from my soon to be Sailor (Sailor Recruits they call them during Boot Camp). In the back of my mind I was a bit worried about how much I would hear from him as he certainly had no practice with letter writing. Much to my surprise, there were MANY letters home. I remember his first letter home where at the end he wrote, "I love you mom. Stay Strong and I promise I will do ok." Each letter home completely made my day.

With one year behind us, this morning I sent my Sailor a text saying, "I love you! Happy 1 year with the Navy. So proud of you!"

From the day he left, through this very moment, that pride still remains. Not only for my Sailor, but for my entire family. There were so many times I worried about the choices I had made, and the choices my husband I made together, and how they would impact our lives individually and combined. Now I understand why Jesus tells us not to place our worries on tomorrow. "Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own." Matthew 6:34 NIV

Instead, as Psalm 37:4 tell us, "Take delight in the Lord, and he will give you the desires of your heart."

This past year was quite a year for my family. There were many joyful moments and so many reasons to celebrate. In our New Year's Card I shared our top joyful moments from 2011:

My husband graduating from basic training and becoming a Soldier
Our oldest son graduating from boot camp and becoming a Sailor...and now a U.S. Navy Ceremonial Guardsman
Time with my younger son and his girlfriend while our Soldier and Sailor were completing training
My husband finally completing AIT school and coming home
Becoming a part of Living Hope Church
New friendships made
Our younger son getting a full-time job
Our first trip to see our Sailor
Our Sailor proposing to his girlfriend
A wonderful Christmas together

And, then I stop to realize the gifts God is providing at this very moment.

Today...I get to witness the excitement in my Sailor as he plans a wedding.
Today...I get to see my younger sons eyes light up as he shares about the music classes he is taking
Today...once again I get to wake up next to the love of my life...my best friend
Today...God has provided me with enough strength to resist my devil (Day 11)
Today...is another day in my walk with God

Whatever the troubles of yesterday were, and whatever troubles tomorrow will bring, and quite possibly today will present itself with its own troubles, but I also know that today when I allow myself to stop for a moment to breathe I realize God has provided me with something beautiful.

In the book "Walking with God," the author, John Eldredge, shared something that really moved me. "It's not what God is not giving, but what he is giving."

I know God has blessed me with three amazing men in my life. To my children, I love you will all my heart and couldn't be prouder of the men you have become. To my husband, thanks for being you. Thanks for your strength, courage, love and support. There is nowhere I'd rather be than in your arms.

I choose Love!!

A Walk with God

2012-01-18T17:12:00.000-08:00

The other day I was inspired, as I'm always inspired, by hearing the "I Have a Dream" speech made by Martin Luther King, Jr.

"With this faith we will be able to transform the jangling discords of our nation into a beautiful symphony of brotherhood. With this faith we will be able to work together, to pray together, to struggle together, to go to jail together, to stand up for freedom together, knowin that we will be free one day

To me, when we have faith, our mind, body and soul is filled with love. When we have faith, miracles happen.

Which brings to mind the Tim Tebow phenomena. Author Jon Gordon writes in a recent blog post titled "Is God a Tim Tebow Fan?"

"The God that created the universe, football, Tim Tebow, you and me is the same God that performs miracles every day in homes, hospitals, schools, clinics and…even football stadiums." http://www.jongordon.com/blog/2011/12/13/is-god-a-denver-broncos-fan/

As I was reading the book, "A Return to Love," I found it ironic that when referring to the power of faith the author, Marianne Williamson, writes, "We no longer feel like we're trying to carry a football to the finish line, clutching it to our chest and surrounded by hostile forces. We feel instead as though angels are pushing us from behind and making straight our path as we go."

There are many Tim Tebow critics out there, but I say, God Bless Tim Tebow if his boldness in faith brings others into a closer relationship with God. God Bless Tim Tebow if his boldness in faith brings people to believe that when we have faith miracles do happen.

Our church will begin a campaign on Romans 12 in a couple weeks. To prepare for this, each morning I've been reading Romans 12 with the goal of memorizing this chapter. This piece of scripture happened to be exactly what I needed with my mission to commit to living and breathing the word love for 2012.

"Love must be sincere. Hate what is evil; cling to what is good. Be devoted to one another in love. Honor one another above yourselves. Never be lacking in zeal, but keep your spiritual fervor, serving the Lord. Be joyful in hope, patient in affliction, faithful in prayer. Share with the Lord’s people who are in need. Practice hospitality. Bless those who persecute you; bless and do not curse. Rejoice with those who rejoice; mourn with those who mourn. Live in harmony with one another. Do not be proud but be willing to associate with people of low position. Do not be conceited. Do not repay anyone for evil for evil. Be careful to do what is right in the eyes of everyone. If it is possible, as far as it depends on you, live at peace with everyone." Romans 12:9-18

Putting Romans 18 in a slightly different way...If possible, as far as it depends on you, live with love with everyone.

Switching topics some, or maybe I've already been bouncing around quite a bit, a recent sermon by one of our Pastors spoke to spiritual growth.

I related this to my own experience in believing for myself spiritual growth has been a realization of a shift in my life. Like someone finally turned on a light switch and brought me out of my darkness.

I finished the book, "A Return to Love," and have now started reading, "Walking with God," by John Eldredge. The book focuses on learning to talk and hear from God. I still have a long way to go in terms of my spiritual growth, but two weeks ago I truly heard God speaking to me. He said, "Beth, it's time."

"Resist the devil, and he will flee from you." - James 4:7

John Eldridge sums up my devil when he writes, "You are dealing with a distorted being here, a foul spirit filled with disobedience and deception. It may duck and maneuver and refuse to leave you. You've got to be direct, and you have to be authoritative.

"Be alert and of sober mind. Your enemy the devil prowls around like a roaring lion looking for someone to devour." - 1 Peter 5:8

It's time for some real honesty...my devil is my eating disorder. This devil has taken residence within me for at least 12 years. I have tried to tell myself numerous times to "resist the devil." but I don't think I could visualize the alternative of living without this devil.

When I heard God say, "Beth, it is time," I knew exactly what he was referring to and I found myself responding, "Yes, it is time." I realized this devil of mine was my road block in continuing my walk with God and while my spiritual growth is in its beginning stages, there is one thing I have learned...I'd much rather walk with God. John Eldridge writes, "there is no better way than to place our love and trust in God, accept his invitation to life, and give our hearts to him."

I'm choosing to resist my devil. I choose Love...I choose a walk with God!

LIFE IS GOOD!

I choose Love

2012-01-10T17:00:00.000-08:00

I've discovered that my blog could quite possibly become providing a book report on the different books I'm reading. I have to admit, doing book reports was one of my least favorite things to do in school. Mainly because I didn't enjoy reading. That isn't the case anymore. I crave reading these days. And, I love talking about all the wonderful books I'm reading. The books I'm reading focus primarily on faith and spiritual growth...they are very uplifting. I actually read a book by Jimmy Carter called, "Living Faith." My husband didn't quite understand this choice, but that is probably because he is a strong republican. In any case, from the little I've focused on politics in my lifetime, I always felt he had a peaceful way about him and I can now see why after reading his book.

Currently I am reading the book, "A Return to Love," by Marianne Williamson. It will come as no surprise that the book was recommended by Mike Robbins. If you did a search for Mike Robbins on my blog his name would appears numerous times.

I could write one lengthy book report trying to summarize all that is wonderful about this book. My boss bought be a Nook for Christmas, which has this fabulous tool of allowing you to highlight text as you read. I choose the color green for my highlighter, and there are green highlights throughout the book.

Consider this (all taken from the book), "The return to love is not the end of life's adventure, but the beginning. It's the return to who you really are." or "The perfect you is the love within you. Your job is to allow the Holy Spirit to remove the fearful thinking that surrounds your perfect self."

One more..."And what is the highest internal law? That we love one another. Because if we don't we will all die. As surely as a lack of oxygen will kill us, so will a lack of love."

I can't recommend this book enough!!

In my blog titled "BELIEVE" written on 5/25/11, I shared the concept of coming up with one word to live your year by. A word that "will change your life." It was a concept I got from the author Jon Gordon. I was reminded of this in his most recent blog post. http://www.jongordon.com/blog/2012/01/09/one-word-that-will-change-your-life-2/

Last year I choose the word BELIEVE. This year, my word is Love. I choose Love! But, this year my goal is not to forget that I choose this word and to truly give it the chance to change my life. There is a piece of paper hanging in my office that says, "My One Word for 2012...LOVE. I commit to living and breathing this word!"

Again, from the book, "A Return to Love," "Every situation we find ourselves in is an opportunity, perfectly planned by the Holy Spirit, to teach love instead of fear." "Denying love is the only problem, and embracing it is the only answer."

Sorry, I couldn't help but to share more amazing text from this book. There is so much more...

The book is so much about our own personal growth. "Personal growth can be painful, because it can make us feel ashamed and humiliated to face our own darkness. But the goal of personal growth is the journey out of dark emotional patterns that cause us pain, to those that create peace."

WOW!

With the new year we all set New Year's Resolutions. The one that sits at the top of my list, a journey out of my "dark emotional patterns." A journey to peace. I choose Love!

I know losing weight is typically on all of our lists. I can't deny that is always on the forefront of my mind. With my body image issues there is always this desire to be thinner. But, this year my hope is by focusing on choosing love that quite possibly I can find some peace with my body just as it is.

If you recall, I mentioned a course I stumbled upon called, "Thinner Peace." http://www.thinner-peace.com/ I have actually registered for this course and I'm waiting on confirmation of when it will take place.

For 2012, and always, I choose Love!

Have a Little Faith

2011-12-29T15:29:00.000-08:00

Christmas is now behind us and it's only a couple days until we ring in the New Year. It was an amazing Christmas for me with having my entire family together.

The time went too quickly as always, and saying good-bye to our Sailor brought tears to my eyes. But, I'm so thankful for the time we had together.

Over the holidays we went to see the movie, New Years Eve. The movie was nothing spectacular...it was one of those feel good movies that was successful in making me cry a couple times. There were a couple moments in the movie that really stood out for me.

The below was said by Hilary Swank during the movie and I thought it was so beautiful (I'm sorry if I'm spoiling anything for those that haven't seen the movie).

"It's suspended there to remind us before we pop the champagne and celebrate the new year, to stop and reflect on the year that has gone by. To remember both our triumphs and our missteps, our promises made and broken. The times we opened ourselves up to great adventures or closed ourselves down for fear of getting hurt cause that is what new years is all about- getting another chance. A chance to forgive, to do better, to do more, to give more, to love more. And stop worrying about what if and start embracing what would be. So when that ball drops at midnight and it will drop, let's remember to be nice to each other, kind to each other. And not just tonight but all year long."

WOW! That sums it up perfectly! "A chance to forgive, to do better, to do more, to give more, to love more."

There was also a point in the movie when they played the song, "Have a Little Faith in Me." For anyone reading my blog you know the topic of faith has been a big one for me this year. In one of my first few posts (the 6th post to be exact) I wrote on the topic of faith and said I wouldn't normally talk about faith or religion. Amazing to think that my blog has become so much about faith.

My one request from my boys for the holidays was that we all go to church together. It meant so much to me to simply share with them what has become so important to their father and I. Does this mean I'm trying to force a faith upon them? Would it be wrong to try and force? I have to admit I almost started crying when I felt it was implied that it was wrong for me to force my children to go to church. I truly wasn't trying to force, I wanted to share it with them. But, to my children I say..."have a little faith." I hope if anything that they see how having a little faith has impacted the life of their parents.

I'm reading a book by Mitch Albom called "Have a Little Faith." I'm only about half way through the book, but basically he writes about what a difference having a little faith can make in the world...in your life. Here is a story shared in the book, which is from a sermon given by a Rabbi that has asked him to write his eulogy.

A soldier's little girl, whose father was being moved to a distant post, was sitting at the airport among her family's meager belongings. The girl was sleepy. She leaned against the packs and duffel bags. A lady came by, stopped, and patted her on the head. "Poor child," she said. "You haven't got a home." The child looked up in surprise. "But we do have a home," she said. "We just don't have a house to put it in."

In the latest blog post by author Jon Gordon titled, "No Fear in the New Year 2012," he suggests that we jump in the ocean, take a "leap of faith."

"As I write this I am preparing to jump into the ocean once again on New Year’s Day. It has become my yearly ritual – to remind myself to follow my passion, live life to the fullest, surrender and to stay one step ahead of the fear that hovers around me. And as I take my leap into the ocean I want to invite you to jump in with me. Perhaps not in the ocean but in the depths of your mind. This jump doesn’t necessarily require water but rather a leap of faith in your belief system and a shift in your mindset. The antidote to fear is trust and it is only a thought away." http://www.jongordon.com/blog/2011/12/27/no-fear-in-the-new-year-2012/

So again I say, "have a little faith." It will transform your life.

Some of you will see this on the back of our family New Years greeting card, but thought I'd still say here...

May the New Year bring you endless Joy and perfect Peace! God Bless.

Be Grateful

2011-12-20T07:08:00.000-08:00

The holiday's are right around the corner and my Sailor is home. It is so wonderful to have the entire family together. I truly couldn't ask for a better gift. After a new blog was shared by that wonderful author, Mike Robbins, I was reminded of how grateful I should be for simply that gift, and to not let the usual stress of the holiday's bring me down.

Read more: http://www.mike-robbins.com/blog/2011/12/the-best-gift-of-all-2/

I agree completely that our gifts should be a reflection of what that relationship means to us. Our gifts should be a reflection of how much we appreciate that person in our life.

A couple weeks ago I attended our monthly woman's group meeting at Church, called Reviving Hope. It was a wonderful evening filled with two beautiful messages. The evening ended with gathering around the piano in the sanctuary singing Christmas carols. Again, it was a WONDERFUL evening.

One of the messages was on family traditions. If you recall I've talked about family traditions a couple times through this blog. It was funny how it was more related to having many family traditions (sometimes too many), and my struggle has been whether or not we have truly established any family traditions.

When I think of my family as a whole, extended family and all, we do have many family traditions. I love how our boys don't want to miss Christmas Eve with my family, and Christmas Day with my husbands family. What I realized is that instead of trying to compete for our own family tradition, I need to embrace the traditions that already mean so much to them. I was also reminded once again that I need to focus more on what Christmas is all about, instead of stressing over wanting to feel as though I gave my boys the best Christmas ever.

While out to dinner with my husband one night he looked at me and asked, "Are you happy?" As this year comes to an end, I can say without hesitation that I am the happiest I've been in a long time. I'm so happy with how my relationship with my husband has grown. I'm so happy to witness all the accomplishments of my two amazing boys. I'm so proud of the young men they have become.  Wait, I'm not happy....I'm JOYFUL!

That doesn't mean my continuous battles of the mind don't get the best of me.  They still have the ability to grab hold of me and make some days harder than others. I can write the above but then so quickly forget or lose focus on all I have to be grateful for. Instead, I end up having a meltdown from the stress of the holidays and taking it out on the person that means the most to me.

Then there are days when I get a bit of a reality check. The Iraq war is officially over. Throughout the past month and over the next couple weeks these heroes are returning home to their families. Welcome home!! I don't speak from experience, but from stories shared by others, the war for these heroes doesn't simply end when they return home.  There are also many who paid the ultimate sacrifice in the Iraq war and those family members don't have someone coming home. And, there are many still out there in other locations fighting to preserve our freedom. There are many that have made the choice to serve our country and are unable to spend Christmas with their families.

I have so much to be grateful for. In the face of what these heroes and their families endure, I owe it to them to remain grateful for everything they have made possible for me to have.

This morning I woke up to a post by another author I follow, Ralph Marston. "Allow the magic of this moment to fill your awareness and to nourish your spirit. And joyfully realize how truly rich you are."

Read more: http://greatday.com/motivate/111220.html

I say to anyone reading this, and as a constant reminder to myself, allow the magic of Christmas to nourish your spirit. Let's not make Christmas about the monetary gifts, but about the gifts that truly enrich our life.

Always be full of joy in the Lord. I say it again - rejoice! - Phillippians 4:4, NLT

Winter Blues?

2011-12-07T15:47:00.000-08:00

Is it winter blues? I'm not sure, but I know I've been a bit out of it this past week. Or, could it be that I don't think I've picked up my daily devotional (Jesus Calling by Sarah Young) book since last week. Not sure why as I carry it everywhere and it is one of the first things I pull out when I get to the office. But, maybe it's the winter blues that has me not picking it up. I should know better though..."pick up your daily devotional, Beth."

Whether it's winter blues (which pretty much hits me every year) or something else, it's time to get out of the funk I'm in. I hate how my mood can so quickly change and it happens at times when I really need it not to do that.

My husband had his Army Reserves unit party this past weekend. I was surely in a off mood. When my husband kept asking what was wrong I simply responded with the easy response, "I'm not feeling well." At one point he looked at me and said, "Are you feeling out of your comfort zone?" WOW...that husband of mine knows me all too well. However, I still responded, "No, I'm not feeling well." I regained myself somewhat before the end of the event, but in my opinion it was an opportunity to connect with other family members of his unit and I blew it.

Another thing hit me this week. I came across a website. http://www.thinner-peace.com/

I feel the need to remind you of the author, Mike Robbins, who I have quoted numerous times in my blog. Primarily while reading his book, "Be Yourself, Everyone Else is Already Taken." As I read that book I felt like it was written specifically for me. I would find myself laughing many times while reading it by how much he was describing me. Well...the website above was shared by Mike Robbins on his FaceBook page, and it just happens to be his wife.

This website has been on my mind all week. On the home page of the website it says:

Imagine loving your body,

enjoying food without guilt

and living without apologies-

What would that make possible in your life?

Seriously! I really need to meet Mike and Michelle Robbins.

The website is promoting a January coaching group. If you take a moment to look at the website I shared, and if you really knew me, you would know this coaching group was designed for me.

Also written on the website, "When you look in the mirror, you deserve to feel happy no matter what you see." That truly would be wonderful!!

This past year has been a year of many new beginnings. So many changes, but changes that have transformed my life and the life of my family. There is always one thing holding me back, and that is my ability to look in the mirror and be happy with what I see.

And again from the website..."Make this the year that your story finally changes."

Why don't I sign up? What is holding me back? I'm not really sure. Money does play a role. It also conflicts with the days I volunteer at the USO. Could I work around both? Or, is it simply a matter of whether or not I'm ready and willing to make this coming year my year for changing my story?

If God puts people in your life for a reason, has he put Michelle Robbins (and Ali Berlin) in my life for a reason?

What do you think?

Whether its winter blues, depression, eating disorder or simply just a negative self-image, isn't it time for a different story?

A Thankful Heart

2011-12-02T15:36:00.000-08:00

"I will praise God's name in song and glorify him with thanksgiving." ~ Psalms 69:30, NIV

Over the past month I've enjoyed seeing many friends post on their Facebook wall each morning what they are thankful for. I wish I had joined in, but instead thought I'd share a few through this blog.

My amazing husband, who just happens to also be my best friend. I'm thankful for how he just gets me and loves me unconditionally.

My children!! My greatest joy is being their mother!

The two wonderful young women my children have brought into our life.

My dogs. While some may refer to my boxer as vicious, he is everything but that. I love how he is always by my side. And, our darling Jack Russell who always requires some special loving care.

'Jesus Calling' daily devotional by Sarah Young. A book that goes everywhere with me and always there for me when I need some quick encouragement.

K-Love radio station..."Positive and Encouraging" messages ALWAYS. I'm so thankful that I can also play this on my computer all day at work.

Living Hope Church. I'm so thankful that when I typed in "non-denomination churches" on google that they were the first one listed.

Small Group (Bible Study). For the friendships, and patience as I learn the Word of God.

Each and every one of my N4M friends. They are truly amazing and I couldn't survive being a Navy Mom without them.

All the wonderful organizations that support our troops and their families. Organizations like Operation Support our Troops and the USO. I feel so blessed to be a volunteer for these organizations.

Facebook. For allowing me to stay in touch with family and friends by sharing special moments and times of sorrow in each others lives, and for all the information and inspiration it also provides through other pages.

Technology! Skype!! Which allows me to be able to still see my Sailors face every week. PRICELESS!!

I have SO many reasons to be thankful, and as I thought of all the reasons that easily came to mind I realized they were mainly ones you would expect to be thankful for, but God asks us to be thankful in all circumstances.

"Always be joyful. Never stop praying. Be thankful in all circumstances, for this is God's will for you who belong to Christ Jesus." ~ 1 Thessalonians 5:16-18, NLT

It was a year ago that with last minute notice the boys and I were headed to South Carolina to pick up our Soldier. He was not graduating as scheduled, but instead was coming home for 30 days to recover from an injury that happened two weeks prior to graduation. I remember how devastated he was, but when I think back to the chain of events following his injury, I can see clearly why God wants us to be thankful in all circumstances. As a result of this injury, both my husband and I began to grow in a relationship with God.

At church this past Sunday, they pastor shared during his sermon, "It's easy to make a point but it is much harder to make a difference." He then asked, who has made a difference in your life?

A mom of a soldier who was in basic training with my husband shared a passage with me one day, which happened to be right before his injury.

"Therefore, since we have been justified through faith, we have peace with God through our Lord Jesus Christ, through whom we have gained access by faith into his grace in which we now stand. And we boast in the hope of the glory of God. Not only so, but we also glory in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope. And hope does not put us to shame, because God's love has been poured out into our hearts through the Holy Spirit, who has been given to us." ~ Romans 5:1-5

And, it was that mother's soldier who was the first to console my husband after his injury.

For me, this mother and her son are the ones that made a difference in our life. By stepping out in faith and sharing the word of God with us just when we needed it most, they helped bring faith and hope into our lives. I am very thankful for this mother and her son.

"Live with hope, with joy, with love, and you add hope, joy, and love to the world. Live with honesty and integrity, and you give the power of truth to all of life." - Ralph Marston

Worry and Faith

2011-11-19T05:12:00.000-08:00

My husband and I had the privilege of attending a charity gala on Monday for LYDIA Home Association. We were invited by a wonderful couple from our church. Thank You to both of them for including us in such an inspiring evening.

The keynote speaker for the evening was Pastor James McDonald of Harvest Bible Chapel. I haven't had the opportunity previously to witness one of his sermons, but I'm so glad I finally did. The focus of his sermon was from the book of Matthew.

"But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well. Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own." Matthew 6:33-34

He had everyone at the event saying over and over again, "Each day has enough trouble of its own." Is this not so true? He then had us all chanting, "God is in charge. God is in charge." There was something powerfully refreshing about saying that over and over again. I felt this sense of freedom.

He referred to how we have three chapters in our life...past, present and future. For some reason we seem to spend most of our time focused on either our past or our future. But the past is gone, we can't change it. And, the future..."God is in charge." If we place our faith in God, he will provide.

God's promises regarding worry:

"Give all your worries to God, because he cares about you." 1 Peter 5:7

"Don't let your hearts be troubles. Trust in God, and trust in me (Jesus)." John 14:1

"You, Lord, give true peace to those who depend on you, because they trust you. So, trust the Lord always, because he is our Rock forever." Isaiah 26: 3-4

Yesterday morning I had a moment of panic, which then led to worry. My younger son has Type 1 Diabetes and I was experiencing a difficult time getting him out of bed. He is normally very good about getting himself up for work or school. I received a text from his girlfriend asking if he was okay. It quickly sunk in that the reason my son was a bit unresponsive was because his blood sugar had to be low. While he was somewhat alert you could tell he wasn't fully alert. I kept telling him over and over again to get up and test his blood sugar, or to take a sugar tablet. Over and over again he kept responding, "Ok. Ok. Ok." That was the only response I would get. Again, panic set in. At this point I felt as though I was getting upset with him as all I wanted was for him to listen to me.

I was finally able to convince him to take a sugar tablet, and then other, and other. (Btw, his blood sugar was 45. Normal range is 80-120) He was quickly returning to his normal self. For me, worry had now creeped in. What if I wasn't home? What would happen if he was living on his own? What happens if he is with someone who doesn't understand what is going on?

Here is the amazing thing about believing that God is in charge...instead of worrying I can turn to God and pray. Which is exactly what I did next. I first said a prayer of thanksgiving that God has placed an amazing girlfriend into my sons life that has taken it upon herself to understand my sons condition and the signs of when his blood sugar is low or high. I thank God for her! I then prayed if for some reason this amazing individual isn't by chance who my son will spend the rest of his life with, that God please make sure whoever he is meant to spend the rest of his life with that they have the same special quality.

While I prayed and asked God to keep the right person in his life, I was reminded during our Bible study last night that I need to also have faith in God's will. God may have a different plan from what I have prayed for.

That thought has left me with some doubt in my faith. I'm not sure if I will explain correctly, but my faith feels so strong right now. I know more than ever that I need God. I can't do it alone. But, let's say when the circumstance comes along where God's will was different from my prayer request, and His will brings significant sorrow or pain. Will I be able to hold steady in my faith in God? Will I be able to hold firm in believing in his presence and that believing in His presence is what will get me through that sorrow or pain? I hope so. I really do.

It is so much easier to put your faith in God. It is so much easier to believe in his presence always!

If feeling the need to end this with the piece of scripture I started with as my head feels full of doubt and worry this morning...

"But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well. Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own." Matthew 6:33-34

I need God!

2011-11-09T08:13:00.000-08:00

I took a day off of work to attend to long overdue doctor appointments. BUT...I took the wrong day off. :) I'm trying to actually laugh about this, and yes, I probably could have made my way in to work once I realized this mistake, but frustration and disappointment in myself set in.

I am really bad about seeing doctors. I HATE them and avoid going as much as possible. The same applies to dentists, which is funny seeing as I work for a company that provides professional liability insurance to dentists. When you are someone that has not done a very good job of being kind to their body (i.e...eating disorder), going to the doctor/dentist is probably even more important.

I finally decided it was time to catch up. I've been experiencing some female issues so now seemed like a better time then any. At the age of 42, I'm also way overdue for that dreaded mammogram. I scheduled all my appointments for the same morning knowing that I just needed to get them over with. Woke up this morning (on my day off) ready to check several items off my to-do list. Nope...again, I took the wrong day off. My appointments are tomorrow morning. How did I handle this frustration and disappointment in myself? I cancelled all my appointments! I know, wrong decision.

I called that hubby of mine as tears began to fall. I love that man! "Take a breath" he said. Once we got off the phone he sent me a text saying, "God loves you."

I've realized why so many people at my church recommend memorizing scripture. What I needed right at that moment was some great scripture. I needed to talk to God. I needed to pray. Unfortunately, I haven't quite memorized any scripture (I'm working on it).

I came home and spent about an hour avoiding what I knew I needed. I needed God!! I could feel his presence, but I was avoiding him because I know what he wanted me to do.

"I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me." (Philippians 4:13)

After saying that piece of scripture over and over, I picked up the phone and rescheduled one of my appointments for tomorrow. Why not all? Well...technically, one of the issues needs to be resolved before the others can be handled.

My lesson learned today, I really need God! And, it's time to memorize some scripture. What are some the scriptures you turn to for strength? If you're reading this...PLEASE share.

WOW!

2011-11-07T18:38:00.000-08:00

WOW! It's the best response I can come up with to describe my past week. Again, WOW! I couldn't come up with anything better than WOW to title this post.

I'm not even quite sure where to begin. For the most part I think I'm going to try and share through pictures, but I might also get carried away with actually trying to describe in words. Or, I might simply just keep saying WOW over and over again.

I'm starting with what is the hardest to describe, because it was probably one of the most amazing things I have been able to be a part of. Last Wednesday my husband and I helped welcome home and Honor Flight.

PLEASE...take a few minutes to go to their website to understand what this organization is.
http://honorflightchicago.org/index.html

Their mission: Honor Flight Chicago was founded to recognize our Veterans – most specifically our WWII Veterans – with a day of honor, remembrance and celebration from a proud and grateful nation.
After these Veterans spent a day in DC seeing the monuments we were at the airport to help welcome them home...among several thousand others there to welcome them home. WOW!!

If you live in the Chicago area, this is something you MUST experience. WOW!! I get goose bumps just thinking about it.

On Saturday morning I spent another wonderful evening with Operation Support our Troops America. I simply can't say enough about this organization. WOW!

If you have someone deployed, or know someone deployed, go to http://www.osotamerica.org/comfort-packages/ and have a care package sent. You won't believe the number of hands that touch these care packages. Such amazing love and support goes into these packages. They truly are "comfort packages."

Saturday evening I was with my family celebrating several birthdays. If you recall, I have expressed how these gatherings can be difficult for me. But, when you truly believe God's words...

"I can do everything through him who gives me strength." Philippians 4:13

It was a wonderful night!

My parents and siblings. WOW!

On Sunday morning it was another fabulous morning serving breakfast to my husbands unit. But...the special bonus for this Sunday morning...my amazing husband was promoted to a Specialist. AND, I was given the honors of pinning on his new rank insignia. WOW!

From there I went to the later church service. I've said this before, but I'm SO glad my church has the later service option! At this particular service they were doing water baptisms and I was able to witness one of the ladies from my small group give her testimony and be baptised. WOW. I saw her afterwards and gave her a big hug and said, "Thank you." Later I thought that congratulations or some other words might have been more appropriate, but I was so thankful to her for sharing her testimony. It was beautiful beyond words.

The sermon given by one of the pastors was titled, "Shameless Audacious Faith." His message was so similar to that which I've been reading in the book, A Praying Life.

"If you remain in me and my words remain in you, ask whatever you wish, and it will be done for you." John 15:7

^"I tell you, even though he will not get up and give you the bread because of friendship, yet because of your shameless audacityhe will surely get up and give you as much as you need."
Luke 11:8-10

Some words shared by the pastor...
"We have to have faith to receive God's promises."
"We have to be persistent in our Faith."
"You never know what you Faith could be tied to."

Shameless Audacious Faith!!! WOW

Guess what, you can listen to this amazing sermon! http://livinghope.us/media/

I'm reading a new book called, Muscular Faith, by Ben Patterson. The last chapter I read ended with this piece of scripture...

"May the Lord bless you and protect you. May the Lord smile on you and be gracious to you. May the Lord show you his favor and give you his peace." Numbers 6:24-26

WOW!

Happy Halloween, and more...

2011-11-01T17:16:00.000-07:00

Happy Halloween (a day late)! I have to admit I’ve never really been a fan of this particular holiday, but for some reason it had my mind wondering off in many different directions.

I’d say the main reason I’ve never been found of the holiday is the stress involved in finding the right costume. Not only do I hate finding a costume to wear as an adult, but I also hated the entire costume fiasco when my kids were little. Either it ended up the costume was not what they wanted, or too many other kids were wearing the same one, or it just wasn’t cool enough.

That being said, I know I also have some happy memories of Halloween. On those occasional Halloweens when the weather was nice it was fun to see the excitement on my boys faces as they went house-to-house saying, “Trick-or-Treat.” Yesterday was a particularly nice evening for Halloween. My husband put on his Army uniform, sat outside with a fire and handed out candy to what seemed to be many teenagers. I got a kick out of the ones that would come up and say, “Are you a real soldier?”

I thought I’d share a picture from last night and other pictures that I dug out from when the boys were little…(I'm not sure how my boys will feel about me sharing these. LOL)

Because Halloween typically involves wearing some type of mask, it made me think of the masks we can wear every day of our life. I finished reading, A Praying Life, and loved it so much I started it all over again. In the book Paul Miller says “the only way to come to God is by taking off any spiritual mask. The real you has to meet the real God. He is a person.”

Throughout most of my life I’ve felt as though I needed to put a mask on. I’ve spent so much time trying to be someone else…to be someone that was better, smarter, prettier, etc.

"How Great Thou Art"

2011-10-29T05:52:00.000-07:00

I have wanted to stop many times over the past week and write, but the days always seem to go by quickly. I'm always thinking about the things I want to share, and I have to say I think I write much better in my mind then I do when I try to actually write it down. But, I'm going to keep writing no matter what my doubts are.

The past week has been filled with many glorious moments. It can be so hard to put a complete picture on the emotions that I find myself filled with.

Last weekend that Sailor of mine was in for a brief visit. I know there are many moms out there reading this blog that know how wonderful it is to have them home. HOOYAH! Every time he is home I marvel at the amazing young man he is becoming. I love simply just knowing that he is in the house.

It has been way too long since my entire family has all been together. And, yes, I include both my boys girlfriends as my family. I love them both!

The weekend went by too quickly, but I loved every moment of it.

I know I spend a lot of time talking about how proud I am of my Sailor, but I'm equally as proud of our younger son. I wish everyone could witness the excitement in his voice and eyes when he describes his days working at the senior center in our town. I would have never thought that he would end up being such a blessing in the lives of so many. But, then again, he has a rare kindness and gentleness. He is one special young man.

I completed the book, A Praying Life, and reading it has taught me to reflect daily on what God has blessed me with. It brings a new sense of awareness to all that I have to be thankful for. I have also discovered the power of praying. WOW. It truly makes a difference in growing in my relationship with God. I never expected this blog to go this direction, but all I can say is that my life has been changed. I have this feeling of peacefulness that I don't think I've ever felt before.

In his book Paul Miller writes, "If you wait, your heavenly Father will pick you up, carry you out into the night, and make your life sparkle. He wants to dazzle you with the wonder of his love."

A year ago that statement would have meant nothing to me. Now, I'm dazzled by the wonder of his love! My life sparkles!

Because of God's love it feels so much easier to do the things that I was so previously scared off. I'm quickly learning when you step out in faith, amazing things can happen. As my relationship with God grows, I feel my relationship with others blossom.

I found myself the past couple days listening to the hymn, "How Great Thou Art." This has always been one of my favorite hymns and manages to quickly bring me to tears because it reminds me of my Grandma DeGrasse. I don't think until now that I've ever really paid attention to the words. Now...when I consider the fact that it could bring me to tears because of the memory of my Grandma and then now I add a new understanding to the power of the words...I become a blubbering idiot.

Then sings my soul,
My Saviour God, to Thee,
How great Thou art!
How great Thou art!

Live a Praying Life

2011-10-21T13:32:00.000-07:00

I picked up a book recently titled, A Praying Life, by Paul E. Miller. I've decided...I really need to learn to pray. Physical praying has always seemed odd to me. I can easily say I will pray for someone or something, and apparently I thought simply saying that meant I actually did pray.

I find myself highlighting certain messages Paul Miller writes in his book...

"If you learn to pray, you learn to dream again."

"Don't be embarrassed by how needy your heart is and how much it needs to cry out for grace. Just start praying."

"Come to Me, all who are weary and heavy-laden, and I will give you rest" (Matthew 11:28, NASB)

"Apart from me you can do nothing" (John 15:5)

I find I spend a lot of time worrying about how to pray instead of praying. Are there certain rules that should be followed when praying?

"Come overwhelmed with life. Come with a wandering mind. Come Messy."

I'm only halfway through the book, but now that I know I can "come messy" with my prayers, I find myself stopping quite frequently and saying a prayer. I'm not to the point of saying them out loud, but I will either silently say a prayer or I find writing them makes them feel more real.

The other night my husband and I were out shopping for a new (used) car. This was rather stressful for me as I was taking a plunge...a plunge to being realistic that it was time to live within our means and no longer believe that driving in a luxury car somehow made me a better person. To add to that, as I've admitted before, we are in quite a bit of debt and have made some not so great choices in our life so financing this car was going to be difficult. When we finally decided upon a car I turned to my husband and said, "Go away...I need to pray." I seriously did stop right there and pray. I'm now a proud owner of a Honda Civic. I need this car to last so I will be praying for this car.

I have discovered getting through the day is so much easier when I realize how much I need God in everything I do. I've started surrounding myself with His words...His words of Grace. The below, along with Psalms 23, are now hanging in my office.

"Work willingly at whatever you do, as through you were working for the Lord rather than for people" (Colossians 3:23, NLT)

"Be still in the presence of the Lord, and wait patiently for him to act" (Psalm 37:7, NLT)

I made the comment to my husband this morning after having a difficult evening, "when all else fails I need to pray." As I said that I realized that was completly backwards...I need to turn to prayer first. I need to go to God with my weary heart.

You may be reading this and thinking, you're just realizing this now? Or, maybe there are times you read my blog and say to yourself, "she really doesn't get it." I guess you could also be saying, "she is crazy." I'm hoping instead that it brings a smile to your face when you witness what God is doing in my life. :)

What I do know with absolute certainty is I need GOD always!

As I surround myself with His words of Grace, either through scripture, books or music, I can feel my heart opening up to all the blessings in life. My faith, trust and hope in God becomes stronger. Praying becomes a natural response, and no longer something that feels odd.

"Pray without ceasing" (1 Thessalonians 5:17)

My Hooah Story!

2011-10-17T16:35:00.000-07:00

A while back I submitted a story to a website about my experiences as a military wife. They were looking for submissions so I said what the heck, obviously realizing my experiences were still quite limited.

Shortly following I received a response from them saying thank you, but it wasn't exactly what they were looking for. In their words, "It's very Huah! (Hooah) army-wife-strong, which is absolutely fantastic, but the central focus, rather than being we're strong, should be, this is what it's really like for those of you who don't know." They wanted something that focused more on what military families go through. I was asked if I would consider re-writing to meet that goal. I fully planned on re-submitting something, but have found it difficult to get past expressing the "Hooah" of it all.

I pulled out their email again this week thinking I really should give this another try. I went through letters that my husband and I wrote to each other while he was gone thinking this might help in expressing what I went through during that separation.

It has been over a year since my husband first left for basic training. It took approximately six months for him to complete basic training and school.   He is in the Army Reserves, and since completing the end of March he has been home and we have not had to experience a deployment. While it was difficult being apart, I would imagine it doesn't come close to what it will be like when he is deployed. (He always says it's not a matter of if, but when.)

The day he left for basic training I started writing letters immediately.  My first letter said..."I miss you so much all ready. But, I'm so incredibly proud of you and know before long you will be lying beside me again. I promise to stay strong. I will be an awesome Army Wife." (Advice #1: whatever you may hear about sending letters the only thing to believe is to KEEP WRITING! You can never send too many letters.)

As I looked through my letters to him I noticed many of them would say the same thing. I give brief updates on what was going on at home, but the main focus was telling him how much I loved him, how proud I was of him and a promise to stay strong...Army Strong. There were obviously days when I missed him so much. There were days when my heart just ached for his touch. (Advice #2: Always keep your letters positive.)

The days when I received a letter from him the world would come to a stop. I would tear open those letters and loved holding those pieces of paper in my hands because it was something he had touched. Obviously, his phone calls home would turn a difficult day into a PERFECT day. (Advice #3: cherish those letters and phone calls and let them carry you until the next one comes.)

In almost every one of my letters I would share how my ability to connect via facebook with other family members of the soldiers that were going through basic training with him was what was getting me through each day. These family members became my lifeline to sanity. (Advice #4: GET CONNECTED)

Again, there were days when I felt the weight of the world on my shoulders. There were days when all I wanted to do was lie in bed and dream of him lying next to me. There were days when I wanted to go back in time and tell him, "no, don't do this."

One of the hardest things for me during that time apart was the fact that I was also preparing to send our oldest son off to boot camp with the Navy. Going through those emotions without my husband to lean on was incredibly difficult. Saying good-bye to my son without my husband there beside me was the hardest thing I've ever done.

In every letter I wrote I included a count down until his graduation. A count down until I could wrap my arms around him again. As the days became fewer the anticipation and excitement grew. I was ready to see his face! I was ready to see my Soldier!

Two weeks prior to graduation everything changed. I remember the excitement of seeing my phone ringing and realizing it was a call from him. The biggest smile would always come to my face. But...this phone call...that smile quickly turned to tears. My husband was barely able to speak and get past the obvious emotions he was experiencing at that moment.  Two week prior to graduation he had shattered his toe and would be unable to graduate with the soldiers he had been training with the past two months. He was heartbroken. (Advice #5: Be prepared...things don't always go as planned...especially in the military.)

When I received that call from my husband the first thing he felt he needed to say to me was, "I'm sorry." He felt as though he failed me. All I wanted was to bring him and home and wrap my arms around him. But, once I dealt with the shock of his news I knew what he needed to hear from me. The last thing this man did was fail me. I knew I had to quickly get past my own emotions and tell him...this will happen...THIS WILL HAPPEN. You will recover from this injury and finish your training. You will be a leader to another group of Soldiers. YOU will be an American Soldier!

What I'm trying to convey through this is that maybe my story so far is a "Hooah" story. But, becoming a military wife can be that. It is up to each of us to make it that. I'm not saying there won't be difficult moments. There will be many difficult moments. As I said earlier, there will be many moments of missing them so bad your heart truly aches. There will be moments when that fear leaves you frozen in place. We have choices though.  We have the choice to let the pride of what they have chosen to do get us through each and every day.  We have the choice to connect with other military families and let those relationships get us through the difficult times.  We have the choice to grow personally and spiritually during that separation.  We have the choice to put our faith into something higher, something more powerful. (Advice #6: Hold on to that faith with everything you have.)

If we want all Americans to step up and be there to support our troops and their families (to support us), we need to step up and do that for each other. The one thing I see over and over again when I read about how to stay strong as a military family it is to...STAY CONNECTED. Stay connected to the unit your loved one belongs to, stay connected with the family members of that unit, and stay connected with the resources that are available to you.

What is it like being a military wife? I still don't know if I've really answered that question. Yes, it's very hard!  They are a Soldier first and that can be very difficult to accept.  But, one of the most rewarding parts of being a military wife and mom is the extended family that is there before you ready to embrace you and help you through this journey. (Advise #7: Get involved with organizations that will help connect you with other military families.)

I know I am still new to being a military family, and maybe my "Hooah" outlook will change when my husband is deployed. But, I hope and pray that everything I am doing now will prevent that from changing. I hope and pray that no matter what lies ahead I will allow the connections I've made and the pride that I feel to carry me through. I'm sorry, but I am simply unable to share a story that isn't a "Hooah" story. (Advice #8: Make the choice to make your story a "Hooah" story.)

...and Navy Mom!

Grace Like Rain

2011-10-14T15:17:00.000-07:00

I was driving home briefly during lunch today and a song that I've shared before came on the radio. I will share just a portion of the lyrics again...

Divine Romance - By Phil Wickham
The fullness of Your grace is here with me
The richness of Your beauty’s all I see
The brightness of Your glory has arrived
In Your presence God, I’m completely satisfied
For You I sing I dance
Rejoice in this divine romance
Lift my heart and my hands
To show my love, to show my love

Every time this song comes on I turn up my radio about as far as it can go and truly wish that I was in a place where I could lift up my arms and dance..."lift my heart and my hands to show my love."

As I returned back to the office another song came on called, Grace Like Rain by Todd Agnew.
Hallelujah, grace like rain falls down on me
Hallelujah, all my stains are washed away, washed away

When I heard those lyrics I truly recalled having a dream where I was standing outside in the rain looking up and feeling God's grace falls down upon me. Hallelujah!

I feel God's grace so strongly in my life...it's quite powerful. I feel it today as I realize it's my belief in God's grace that has so significantly changed my life. God's grace is everywhere...

It is a beautiful day here in Chicago, with sunshine and amazing fall colors, and a day where I feel so overly blessed. Blessed to the point where I wonder how can I ever find myself complaining.

--I love my mornings at home with my husband, younger son and I bumping into each other while getting ready for our day. While the time is short, I love every second of it.

--This morning I also received a text from my Sailor with the dates for his Christmas leave. Hooyah...he's coming home!!!!

--When I arrived home during lunch I found my younger son in the kitchen juggling. One of his many talents. He was excited by the fact that he was asked to be part of an entertainment hour at the Senior Center he is working at. I love listening to all the stories he now shares from his time at the center. I love how much he is enjoying spending time with these senior citizens.

--Tonight my husband and I will be going to dinner with another military couple, similar to us as they are Navy Parents and the husband is also in the Army Reserves. Last night a received a text from this fabulous new friend of mine saying "I am looking forward to dinner tomorrow." ME TOO!!

--Tomorrow I will greet another Navy Mom at the airport as she make a stop through Chicago on her way home. She posted on our N4M Facebook page (it's a private page!), "Can't wait to hug the stuffing out of our Beth tomorrow when we meet at Chicago airport. I know she is a continuous inspiration to all of us so I'll share that hug from all of us." This brought a tears of joy to my eyes.

All of these things are God's grace at work.

As I waited for my work day to end, I looked over at a picture that sits on my desk of me with my boys when they were little and I once again think...wow...I'm so incredibly blessed. I have spent countless of hours worrying about how the struggles my husband and I have had would impact our children. And, here they are...while still just young adults, they are AMAZING young adults. I love both of them with all my heart. I see God's grace in both of them. Thank you, God!

Support our Troops!

2011-10-13T16:10:00.000-07:00

In the Sermon on The Mount, Jesus said…

Beware of practicing your righteousness before men to be noticed by them; otherwise you have no reward with your Father who is in heaven.
So when you give to the poor, do not sound a trumpet before you, as the hypocrites do in the synagogues and in the streets, so that they may be honored by men. Truly I say to you, they have their reward in full.
But when you give to the poor, do not let your left hand know what your right hand is doing, so that your giving will be in secret; and your Father who sees what is done in secret will reward you.

When I read this recently, (I decided to pick up the New Testament and start from the beginning) this made me think about how often I’m quick to share what I’m doing to support our troops. Several times I’ve posted on Facebook how I was off to help pack care packages with Operation Support our Troop, work at the USO or feed breakfast to my husband’s unit. Am I sharing these acts with everyone with the hopes of being noticed? Am I guilty of “sounding a trumpet before me?”

When I stop to consider that a lot of my struggles relate to worrying about how I am being judged by others and really wanting people to think of me as a good person, I wonder…maybe I am trying to be noticed for these acts.

At the same time, I find it difficult to withhold myself from sharing my excitement over the things I’m doing that bring such joy to my life. As soon as I say that, I remind myself that it isn’t about the joy that it is bringing to my life, but the impact it is hopefully having on others for this is truly what matters to me. But, I do also love the “leftover” joy that it brings to my life.

I chuckle though because the act of giving, or feeling as though you are making some small difference, can become quite addictive. Every day I feel God pulling at my heart. There are times it takes a great deal of strength to say to myself, “Beth, you need to pass on this one.” I’ve become amazed by all the opportunities, organizations, and individuals that want to show their support to our troops. Just yesterday I opened my most recent People magazine and there was an article on gentlemen who launched a program called, Books for Soldiers (www.booksforsoldiers.com).

Soon my husband and I will be participating in welcoming home an Honor Flight, which is a flight that transports America's veterans to/from D.C. to visit the memorials dedicated to honor their service and sacrifice. Their motto, “We can’t all be heroes. Some of us have to stand on the curb and clap as they go by.” - Will Rogers

Recently I became aware of an organization called, Wreaths Across America (www.wreathsacrossamerica.org). They coordinate wreath laying ceremonies at Arlington Cemetery and veteran's cemeteries in all 50 states every December. After recently spending a weekend in D.C. with my Sailor, who spends most of his time at Arlington performing at funerals to honor our fallen, this was one cause that I could not pass on. On December 10^th, my husband and I will be at the Abraham Lincoln National Cemetery in Elwood, Illinois helping to place wreaths at the grave sites. Leading up to that event I am hoping to get family and friends involved by sponsoring a wreath to try and ensure there are enough wreaths to place at every gravesite…25,000 grave sites. If you're reading this...PLEASE help by sponsoring a wreath for only $15.00!!

There is a group on the Navy for Moms website called, Molly’s Adopt A Sailor. My head spins as I try to keep up with the discussions on everything these Navy Moms are doing to show their support to our Sailors. It’s amazing! I want to jump in and say yes to everything, and it’s hard to accept that it just isn’t possible. One mom posted a picture of a shipment she had prepared to send to a particular ship they had adopted for the month. There were eight small USPS priority boxes filled with holiday items and then several of those small priority boxes were placed in a big box to actually send to the ship. The goal is to have a holiday box for every Sailor on the ship. Unfortunately, the first thought that comes to my mind is dollar signs. There must be a significant expense that goes along with purchasing the items and the actual shipping. I hate the thought that then comes to my mind, “I can only give so much.” Is that really true? Could I still afford to give more?

I loved when asking for prayers at the end of our recent small group that my husband said a prayer for me. He talked about how he understand how badly I would love to commit full-time to giving back to our troops, but since that is realistically not possible that he prays I can find joy in my job. What hit me as I was writing this was that without my job I would be unable to give in the many ways I'm able to give. Every day I need to be thankful for what my job is allowing me to do.

This quote was posted on the home page for Wreaths Across America..."To be killed in war is not the worst that can happen. To be lost is not the worst that can happen... to be forgotten is the worst." -Pierre Claeyssens

God's Grace is Enough

2011-10-10T16:21:00.000-07:00

It was an unusual glorious weekend in Chicago. It's October, but it was a weekend of sunshine and temperatures in the 80's. In so many ways it was a perfect weekend. Small Group (Bible study) on Friday, volunteering with Operation Support our Troops on Saturday morning, bike ride with my fabulous hubby Saturday afternoon, fire with my hubby and neighbors on Saturday night, wonderful church service on Sunday, Blue Star mom meeting Sunday afternoon, and a nice relaxing dinner out with that fabulous hubby on Sunday evening. GLORIOUS!!

The chorus to a song by the David Crowder Band keeps running through my mind..."You make everything glorious..."

But, that doesn't mean within such a glorious weekend I didn't have my moments. Those moments were I continue to have those battles in my head.

During our Small Group on Friday I battled with my ability to understand the word of God. I want to understand it so badly. Talking through it with the group helps significantly, but my lack of understanding leads me to feel uneducated. Something I struggle with in many situations.

There is never a day when I'm not having a battle in my head about my weight, appearance and feeling good about myself. This battle has consumed my mind for way too long and I really wish it would stop!! At church on Sunday there was an opportunity to go up to the alter and have a member of the prayer team pray with you for whatever your need was. I could feel God pulling at my heart to walk up there, but I couldn't get myself to actually move. Instead I stood with tears filling my eyes and prayed quietly to God.

I had some quiet time on Sunday afternoon and because it was so beautiful outside I decided to go rake the leaves. This task reminded me of last fall when the job of raking the yard was left to me since my husband was gone for basic training with the Army. It made me think of what is yet to come and will I really be capable of managing everything if my husband is deployed. Will I be able to stay strong?

Over the weekend I came across a picture that I swear included my Sailor in it. I posted it on Facebook because I was so proud! Well...it was brought to my attention last night by my sailor that it wasn't him. A simple mistake right? That mistake has me saying to myself what kind of mom mistakes another individual as her son??? I keep trying to tell myself that my son apparently has a twin in the Ceremonial Guard with him and to just laugh at the matter.

Whenever you are tempted to grumble, come to Me and talk it out. As you open up to Me, I will put My thoughts in your mind an My song in your heart.
- Jesus Calling by Sarah Young

While what I shared above can come across as grumbling, it's more about me learning to be honest about the daily battles in my mind with the hope that sharing these battles...these struggles...will help me get past them and move forward. By sharing my battles through this blog, I feel as though I am also talking to God. I feel that I am coming to Him and opening my heart to Him. As I write I do begin to feel His thoughts fill my mind and His song start to fill my heart.

It's Monday and it's a new day...a new week (I guess technically yesterday was the start of a new week). Each day I grow in my desire to live my life in Christ...each day my belief in knowing that God's Grace is Enough becomes stronger.

So then, just as you received Christ Jesus as Lord, continue to live in him rooted and built up in him, strengthened in the faith as you were taught, and overflowing with thankfulness. - Colossians 2:6-7

Do everything with excellence

2011-10-05T17:05:00.000-07:00

I woke up yesterday focused on having a better day than I did on Monday. My husband helped start me off on the right foot by giving me a big hug and reminding me that it was a new day. He also called me mid-way through the morning to see how I was doing. He really is one great guy! :)

There are times I read back on my blogs and get upset with myself for any obvious complaining.   But, my intent with this blog is to pretty much "wear my emotions on my sleeves." We all have our bad days right? I read a comment on Facebook once that said some status updates should be held for your shrink. Maybe that is true is some cases, but I also think it is important to know that it's okay to express how we are feeling...those emotions should be welcomed. It is when we are willing to express ourselves that we truly get to know each other. When we are willing to express ourselves in many cases we learn we are not alone, which can bring such comfort. So, I plan to continue to "wear my emotions on my sleeves."

On my way home from work yesterday the following statement was made on K-Love (Christian radio station), "Do everything with excellence." I was reminded that this is what God is expecting from all of us. That statement is what I should wake up every morning saying.  When negative thoughts or frustration confront me, I need to stop and say, "Do everything with excellence."

This statement had an impact on me mainly because of my continuous struggle to find happiness in my job. Recently, I watched one of our employees retire after 19 years with the company. A video was played during an appreciation dinner that reflected on her years with the company. I listened to express after the video was played how grateful she was for her time here and the friendships made. A couple weeks later I watched my boss be brought to tears when describing another person in the office who was celebrating 10 years with the company. I'd be lying if I said I wasn't jealous of both of these individuals. When I retire, it really would be wonderful to look back with grateful emotions and to know that I had a positive impact on the people I worked with. I've always focused on excellence in my work, but I've forgotten that "my work" includes how I interact with the people I work with.  I need to "do everything with excellence."

I spent my day, as usual, listening to K-Love while at work. They are in the midst of of pledge drive and I finally sent a text to my husband telling him it was taking every ounce of strength not to contribute. Thankfully...he responded saying to go ahead. It wasn't much, but I knew I had to contribute something. This station is what helps get me through each and every day. There slogan..."Positive and Encouraging K-Love."

I emailed my pledge and said, "I wish I could give more, but wanted to give something. Since accepting Christ into my life this year K-Love has become a big part of my day. It is the only radio station I listen to. I love all of you! Thank you for the "positive and encouraging" messages that you give every day."

As I continued to listen to K-Love after that pledge all of the sudden I heard them sharing my message over the radio!!!! I have enjoyed listening to the impact K-Love has had on the lives of so many others during this pledge drive. When you fill your day with messages of peace, love and joy it really does have a profound impact on your life.

As I have shared many times through my blog, my passion is to make a difference in the life of another. I believe God is placing it upon my heart to make a difference.  I want to be that light in someones life. I want to help bring that feeling of hope to others. I want to help share those messages of peace, love and joy.

Always be joyful. Never stop praying. Be thankful in all circumstances, for this is God's will for you who belong to Christ Jesus. 1 Thessalonians 5:16 -18, NLT

Blessings

2011-10-03T18:31:00.000-07:00

I can't believe how long it has been since I sat down to write. It's on my mind regularly, but I've had a hard time finding the time. The past couple weeks as I contemplate what I feel like writing about, most of my thoughts have been on writing about how blessed I feel. And, I do feel blessed for many reasons.

I had the chance to spend a wonderful weekend with my Sailor in DC. I could share so many great pictures, but I will just share these two for now.

I remember as I was preparing to leave from my business trip to DC in one day I was blessed with my husband giving me an incredibly adorable teddy bear, a text from Jeremy with pictures of how he had cleaned the house, and a text from Zack saying, "one more day mother." How could I not feel blessed?

During my Bible study group last week I received two wonderful ideas on how to stay focused on the blessings in my life. For one I decided to go on a no complaining fast. I also started a journal for writing down each day what I'm thankful for. I did quite well with my no complaining fast for almost an entire week, and then I felt like I made up for that week in one day. I've been pretty consistent with writing what I feel thankful for, because that seems to come so easily these days. There is SO much to be thankful for.

For example...this past weekend I was thankful for:

- spending Friday evening with old high school friends
- being able to celebrate the life of an amazing uncle with family...and many family members that I haven't seen in a long time. Yes, it was a sad day also, as my Uncle Ed (a.k.a Uncle Knucklehead) will truly be missed. (yes, that's a pigs head he is holding...lol)

Uncle Knucklehead

- serving breakfast to about 20 soldiers.
- another fabulous sermon by our pastor...I don't think he has even given a bad one.
- And, ending the weekend with a nice dinner out with that wonderful husband of mine.

I have so many reasons to be thankful...

You would think that I would have woken up this morning is some incredible mood, but instead I have been horribly crabby. Nothing I do seems to get me out of this mood. I don't understand how so quickly I can lose sight of those blessing in my life and literally feel like this dark cloud was hanging over me all day. The problem is that horrible mood becomes apparent in everything I do. I try to stop myself from doing and saying things that reflect my terrible mood, but it doesn't seem to work. I sit here really wishing I could start the day all over again.

Last night over dinner I was telling my husband how I know that I am blessed to work where I work. I know that I am blessed with a wonderful boss. I know if I just open my heart there a bit more that I could quite possibly find the happiness I'm looking for in my job. Instead...I find myself sending my husband a text that says, "Why are there days when its so much harder to stay positive? Today has just been a day of hating my job."

What I've discovered is I don't hate my job, I hate my attitude! I've realized that I've left many jobs thinking the job and/or the people were the problem. But, I'm the problem. I am trying so hard to be a better person, but there are certain situations when I feel like I can't prevent the worst of me from coming out. There are certain situations when negative thoughts consume me and I feel held captive to them.

Maybe we should go back to focusing on the blessings in life because now I find myself sitting here in tears.

I am thankful today for an amazing husband, that came home between his games to try and bring a smile to my face. I love that even though the words coming out of my mouth don't make sense, that he fully understood how I'm feeling.

I am thankful that the holidays are around the corner and soon my family will be together again. I will end by sharing one of my favorite pictures. My two boys with their beautiful girlfriends that have become such a great addition to our family. I love having you around Joy and Hayley! I can't wait for all six of us to be together once again...it's been way too long.

Remembering 9/11

2011-09-11T18:25:00.000-07:00

All day I've been trying to find the right words to give remembrance to 9/11. Many times today I was brought to tears, as I'm sure many of us where. It started with watching coverage of the ceremonies being held in New York. I watched as family members were allowed to see the memorial for the first time. The approached with pieces of paper to sketch the names of a loved one lost whose names were placed on the memorial. I watched as family members collapsed in tears over those names.

Former President Bush approached the podium and read a letter from the Civil War written by Abraham Lincoln

Executive Mansion,
Washington, Nov. 21, 1864.
Dear Madam,
I have been shown in the files of the War Department a statement of the Adjutant General of Massachusetts that you are the mother of five sons who have died gloriously on the field of battle. I feel how weak and fruitless must be any word of mine which should attempt to beguile you from the grief of a loss so overwhelming. But I cannot refrain from tendering you the consolation that may be found in the thanks of the Republic they died to save. I pray that our Heavenly Father may assuage the anguish of your bereavement, and leave you only the cherished memory of the loved and lost, and the solemn pride that must be yours to have laid so costly a sacrifice upon the altar of freedom.
Yours, very sincerely and respectfully,
A. Lincoln

I wasn't sure what type of remembrance would be said at church today, but as soon as the Pastor stopped for a moment of silence and to say a prayer, I was again brought to tears.

Over the past couple days, and throughout today I have read numerous blogs and posts paying tribute to the lives lost on 9/11, our first responders and those that choose to serve after that day and those that continue to serve. I've read stories from people directly affected by that day, stories of the great heroism following the attacks, and stories from those that lost a loved one. I came across an article written by The Rev. Will Malambri. I know nothing about this man, but I was most touched by how he ended his article. "Let's never forget, but let's also never be held captive by that day. On 9/12 we, as a nation, were kinder to each other. Let's live out more 9/12 days."

After the church service today I went to see the movie The Help with my son and his girlfriend. I have heard so many positive remarks about this book, and have to admit that I have not read it. But, I was in tears throughout the movie. As I walked out of the theatre I thought about the hatred that continues to exist within our country. I thought back to 9/11 and the days following how Americans came together.

"This is a day when all Americans from every walk of life unite in our resolve for justice and peace. America has stood down enemies before, and we will do so this time. None of us will ever forget this day, yet we go forward to defend freedom and all that is good and just in our world." - President Bush

I thought back to the I Have A Dream speech by Martin Luther King, "From every mountain side, let Freedom ring."

The terrorist attacks on 9/11 is considered the worst attack on American soil. "These acts of mass murder were intended to frighten our nation into chaos and retreat. But they have failed. Our country is strong." - President Bush

As I was watching the movie today I couldn't help but to think about how while ten years ago terrorists tried to destroy the American spirit, that we can allow that same hatred to exist within us. If you spend an evening watching the news you see that hatred that still exists. As the Rev.Will Malambri said, we need more days like 9/12.

September 11th is now considered as a National Day of Service and Remembrance. Every day should be a day of service and remembrance. Every day we need to remember the lives lost on 9/11. Every day we need to remember our first responders and our military for their heroism. I heard the question asked many times over the past couple days, "how will you serve on 9/11?" Let's ask ourselves that question every day.

When 30 of our U.S. troops were killed on August 6th our country once again united. Let us not wait for another attack on America to unite. Let us unite on a daily basis and live God's will. "You are the light of the world." Matthew 5:14

God Bless America!

The love of my life...

2011-09-08T19:18:00.000-07:00

My husband has left to play Army for the weekend. He hasn’t even been gone 24 hours and I already miss him terribly. It makes my heart go out to family members currently waiting for their loved one to return home, and doesn’t seem right for me to complain. But, I do miss him.

I love how certain messages come before me just when I need them. I’ve been patiently waiting to receive notice of another blog from the infamous author I’ve mentioned on many occasions, Mike Robbins. His latest blog that arrived today is, “Focus on What Truly Matters.”

It’s amazing how quickly I can lose sight of what truly matters. I promised that when my husband returned home that I would treasure every moment with him as I had learned how hard it was to be apart from him. However, there are still times when I know I take him for granted, and I take for granted having him around. Then, all of the sudden he is gone again.

Several of us were sharing during our last women’s group gathering at church how quickly we can get frustrated with our spouses (typically in the morning before leaving for work), and then afterwards we realize how trivial of an issue it was and we are then sending them a message or calling to apologize. I know I have done this on many occasions.

This morning before my husband left I walked up to him several times to give him a hug. Being in his arms is such a wonderful feeling. The comfort of his arms wrapped around me has stayed with me all day. I found myself quite distracted today, but I was distracted with thoughts of how much I love my him. I’d say a very pleasant distraction! <3

With our 21^st anniversary just a little over a month away I've been thinking about how much we’ve grown together as a couple. There have been many extremely difficult times, but here we are now so much in love. Last year for our 20^th anniversary he was only a month into his basic training with the Army and was not home to celebrate. I remember praying all day that his drill sergeants would allow him to call home to at least say Happy Anniversary. I remember how wonderful it was to actually get that call.

I remember getting a letter from him that was written on our anniversary…

“Dear Beth, of all the letters I have written, I am finding this one to be the hardest. There is so much that I could say or talk about. 20 years is a long time, a lot of good, some bad, but more good. In fact a lot of great. It was awesome to get to talk to you tonight. A better present I could not get. I was a little worried that I might miss you and that you would be crying all night long. Now you should sleep peacefully. Just know I love you and pray for another 20 years. Happy Anniversary! Love, Scott”

Hearing his voice that day and receiving that letter a couple days later was by far the best anniversary present. As Mike Robbins said, “Focus on What Truly Matters.”

We have been through so much together, but I’m grateful beyond words for where we are at now. There is a bond between us that is so strong.

A song came on today called, “Cry out to Jesus.” I may have shared before, but there is a verse that goes…

For the marriage that's struggling just to hang on

They lost all of their faith in love.

And they've done all they can to make it right again

Still it's not enough.

There is hope for the helpless, rest for the weary,
And love for the broken hearts.
There is grace and forgiveness, mercy and healing
He'll meet you wherever you are.

Cry out to Jesus. Cry out to Jesus.

What resonates with me the most in those lyrics is, “There is grace and forgiveness, mercy and healing.” I believe that sums up how we have gotten to where we are now. And, I know now that is because He was always with us.

I could go on forever here, but I thought I would share many pictures from our life together. My husband has indicated before that sometimes pictures can be hard to look at as in some you know that we were going through a difficult time. For me, I try to focus on how no matter what we may have been going through, there was always a love for each other. There was always a love that was holding us together giving us that will to keep fighting.

I love you, Dear!

Finding Peace, Love and Joy

2011-09-06T16:47:00.000-07:00

It has been a while since I have talked about the quest to find that dream job. There are many times I feel unsure as to what that dream job is suppose to be, and others when it is so clear to me.

Over the past couple weeks I’ve come across a couple different messages regarding finding your dream job. Most recently there was an article by author Jon Gordon called, “How to Find Your Dream Job.” He claims there are many paths to one’s dream job.

“Your dream job is not about a position. It’s about a purpose. A purpose that sometimes needs to reveal itself over time.”

He states that while the jobs we’ve had may not have been our dream job, they could be preparing us for it.

“The key is to be positive and purposeful about your work wherever you work. Learn as much as you can, work as hard as you can, act like your job is your dream job, and be open to the possibilities. When you do that, there’s a very good chance that you’ll find your dream job, or your dream job will find you!”

I have to admit that makes sense to me. However, it can be so difficult to stay “positive and purposeful” when you fully believe you are in the wrong place. I’ve been replacing that feeling by getting involved with organizations that mean something to me and allow me to do what I feel passionate about.

At church this past Sunday the message was on the myths of money, which the Pastor listed as:

1. We deserve what we have

2. Money will make and keep me happy

3. Money brings security

But godliness with contentment is great gain. For we brought nothing into the world, and we can take nothing out of it. But if we have food and clothing, we will be content with that. People who want to get rich fall into temptation and a trap and into many foolish and harmful desires that plunge men into ruin and destruction. For the love of money is a root of all kinds of evil. Some people, eager for money, have wandered from the faith and pierced themselves with many griefs.

1 Timothy 6:6-10 (NIV)

I loved these words said by our Pastor, “True happiness comes from doing the will of God; when we do that peace overcomes us.”

I was taking notes during this message and I wrote down several questions: 1) Where do I find my security? 2) Can I walk away and put my security into something else? 3) What gives me peace in life?

I seriously need to start remembering to bring kleenex with me to church as there is hardly a time when I don’t end up in tears. Every message is one that pulls at my heart.

I refer to both finding my dream job and the message regarding the myths of money in the same post as for me those myths of money are what keep me from pursuing my dream job. I allowed myself to fall into those myths of money…constantly believing that money and the possessions I had defined who I was, or indicated to the world that I was successful. I always fell into the myth, “if I only had this I would be happy.” I heard this statement recently, “living on a lobster diet with a tuna fish income.” It described quite well how we ended up in our current situation.

I have a beautiful home (at least in my eyes), drive around in an Audi and love to spend money. But, and this is a hard but to admit, we are in significant debt. Almost every penny we make goes towards trying to get out of debt. Thankfully, we make enough money to continue to pay our mortgage and our debts, and are slowly starting to make some progress. We would probably make even more progress if we stopped living on that lobster diet.

Because of mistakes made along the way, I have felt we have no choice but to find our security in money. I have a job that provides security. It is not my dream job, but without it we wouldn’t be able to pay our debt. In addition, I have a part-time job which also makes a nice contribution each month to paying down debt, or an unexpected large expense (like repairing your car).

Due to our economy you do see people just walking away….foreclosures are everywhere. I know many times it is because they have no option. It does make me wonder if walking away from it all and truly finding my security in something else is an option. We got ourselves into this mess though, so it’s up to us to get out of it. And, the only way out of it is money.

I know what fills me with peace, love and joy.

Every newsletter I create for my husband’s unit makes me believe that in some way I’m connecting with other family members and potentially providing them with information they didn’t previously have.
I would love nothing more than to devote more time to the USO. I know my skills could be of great value to them in organizing both locations at O’Hare airport.
This past weekend I was able to connect with several other Navy Moms in the area. I want to spend more time with these individuals. Many of them are doing fabulous things to support our military.
I would be content with spending every single day in some capacity at our church. Being there always fills me with peace.
TIME WITH MY FAMILY!

Where do I go from here? Again, I believe in Jon Gordon’s philosophy that you need to treat your job like your dream job and be open to the possibilities. I believe that the volunteer work I’m doing for these other organization could also lead to possibilities. But, there are so many times when frustration gets the best of me and treating my job like my dream job seems impossible. I get frustrated when most of my day is spent preparing budgets, explaining budget variances, pulling together presentations, taking meeting minutes and paying someone else’s bills…none of which has a significant impact on another person. I get frustrated and lose that sense of hope. I get frustrated and wish God would speak up and let me know what his plan is for me and how to go about following it.

Then there are those moments when his plan is so clear and I realize the most important thing for me to do is put my trust in God. There was another message I came across this past week, “Please be patient with me, God is not finished yet.”

Rejoice in the Lord

2011-09-03T19:05:00.000-07:00

A while ago I mentioned I was reading a book by Mike Robbins called, "Be Yourself Everyone Else is Taken." In this book he suggests finishing the statement, if you really knew me you would know...

I have tried finishing this statement so many times and for some reason I find it to be very difficult.

The past couple weeks I have been reading a book called, "Christ-Esteem." Because of this book I finally understand why it is so difficult to finish the statement. If I answered it correctly I would say, if you really knew me you would know that "I am a poor, miserable, wretched sinner." Really...I am! No wonder it was difficult to finish that statement. Who wants to admit that they are a "poor, miserable, wretched sinner." My thoughts can be full of worry, fear, anger, hatred and self-pity. My thoughts can be full of resentment, bitterness and envy. Can anyone of you claim that you have not had these thoughts? In God's eyes we are all "poor, miserable, wretched sinners." It is our human nature.

The book talks about our constant quest to answer the questions, "Who am I?" "What is my personal identify?" "How can I develop a more positive self-image?" "Why don't I feel good about myself?"

I'm not sure about all of you, but I have asked myself those questions for most of my life. I've spent hours upon hours in therapy trying to answer those questions. And, because I have always had a negative self-image and did not feel good about myself, I was constantly trying to change who I was.

The past several days I've been very emotional. I was riding the bike one day during my lunch hour and reading the book, "Christ-Esteem." I was on one of the last few chapters that was titled, "Rejoice in the Lord." As I was reading I found myself trying to hold back tears. They eventually just started falling. However, these tears were not tears of sadness, but tears of peace, love and joy.

The book provides another answer to the problem of a low self-esteem. The answer is Christ! Be honest about your sins...be willing to say out loud that you are a "poor, miserable, wretched sinner." As the author, Don Matzat, says "By failing to know ourselves, unmask our pretensions, and come to grips with the reality of our corrupted human existence, we live a lie."

Once we are able to admit to our sins, we can then ask for forgiveness and make the choice to live our life in Christ.

If you have not accepted Christ into your life you could be saying to yourself, "this person is crazy." All I can say is that since accepting Christ into my life I now walk around singing words like, "He Make Everything Glorious." "For You I sing I dance, Rejoice in this divine romance, Lift my heart and my hands, To show my love, to show my love."

Since accepting Christ into my life, instead of living a life full of sadness and depression, I am filled with peace, love and joy.

Instead be filled with the Spirit. Speak to one another with psalms, hymns, and spiritual songs. Sing and make music in your heart to the Lord, always giving thanks to God the Father for everything in the name of our Lord Jesus Christ. (5:18-19).

I attend a monthly women's group at church called, Reviving Hope. This past week when we met I couldn't help but to share how wonderful it is to have this feeling of overwhelming Joy fill up in you to the point of breaking down in tears. I love being with a group of woman that fully understand that feeling. "In your presense God, I'm completely satisfied."

It can be so hard to try and express in writing the profound affect this has had on my life. I guess if you really knew me you would understand. For me to be able to walk around singing the words that I now sing to me is a miracle. I love knowing that there is a better choice. When my thoughts begin to fill with negative thoughts that there is another choice...Instead I can turn to Jesus.

"I rejoice in this divine romance."

In the midst of Heroes

2011-08-28T18:30:00.000-07:00

I returned home from an Army Reserves Chain of Command training and my head is spinning. It's a good spinning though as it's a result of learning so much on how to support the family members of our unit.

There were so many wonderful things about this weekend

I was able to spend a weekend with my amazing husband, and he was in uniform! Pardon me for saying...but, he is one hot Soldier!
There is a very safe feeling when you're in the midst of Soldiers...when you're in the midst of Heroes.
New connections! A weekend of exchanging ideas with new friends. And, lots of laughs!!

I've said this before, but I still find myself asking the question, "how did I get here?" I'm finding it so much easier to respond that the how simply doesn't matter. I'm just SO happy this is where I am.

Here I was at a Chain of Command training. How amazing is that? It has only been five months since Scott completed his training; this military life is still brand new to us. But, as the Family Readiness Group Leader I am considered as part of the Chain of Command. I shake my head and a happy grin comes to my face because I truly feel as though I'm doing something I love...something I feel passionate about.

I have to take a moment to admit something that did play with my mind a little. I realized because I love what I'm doing so much it's hard to share everything that needs to be done. However, I do need to share, and realistically I would not be capable of doing it all by myself so sharing is a good thing. I'm just admitting that it's hard to share. What I keep telling myself over and over, "It's not about me." Everything I'm doing has to be about the impact it will hopefully have on the Soldiers and the family members. Any positive feelings I get from this should be "leftovers."

When I got home I opened up my new favorite blog site, www.unknownsoldiersblog.com. One of the newest posts was titled, "Regarding Heroes." I found it a rather appropriate to come upon this post after spending time among these Heroes and witnessing on several occasions a civilian stopping to thank one of them for their service. These men and women are heroes! When you see one of them, stop to shake their hand and tell them that what they do IS appreciated.

What has come to amaze me about these heroes is how they take care of each other. We have the USO organization who provides support to these heroes, but every time I volunteer at the USO and one of these heroes utilizes the service almost all of them walk out leaving a donation for the USO. Here I was with Command Teams and the soul focus was on how to make sure the families of their Soldiers are taken care of through all cycles of a deployment.

This past week there have been two photos that were shared all over Facebook and websites.

A Fallen Hero whose dog guarded him to the very end.

A Soldier that continued to guard the Tomb of the Unknown Soldier,

even in the midst of a hurricane.

These brave men and women are heroes! Their decision to serve our country is never about them, but about making a difference in the life of all Americans. These brave men and women have earned our words of thanks.

Love so Amazing

2011-08-21T13:30:00.000-07:00

I'm sitting here outside on our patio enjoying a fabulous Sunday afternoon. It was an incredible weekend with most of it spent enjoying time at our church. I'm convinced there isn't a better way to spend a weekend.

On Friday night they had a band playing called, Before Morning, and they were incredible. As I posted on Facebook that evening when I returned home..."What an amazing way to spend an evening...outside our church dancing and singing praise to God! It didn't take long for my arms to be up and to find myself dancing!!

Saturday was off to a great start when we enjoyed an extended lunch with Jeremy and his girlfriend. While they felt as thought we had been there for hours, I felt that I could have stayed there for hours more!! From there I volunteered for a portion of the afternoon at church as they continued their FamFest weekend. That evening we enjoyed a fire at a neighbors house...always love our time with them!

This morning the church held their serve outside. What a beautiful morning they had...God was certainly blessing them all weekend. The service started with singing the words, "The steadfast love of the Lord never ceases, His mercies never come to an end. They are new every morning, new every morning. Great is Thy faithfulness O Lord, Great is Thy faithfulness."

One of the other songs, which they had sung many times, and it is such a joyful song, Happy Day. I love how all the children in the church get up and dance to the song.
"Oh, happy day, happy day You washed my sins away
Oh, happy day, happy day I'll never be the same
Forever I am changed"

We then sang a song called, When I Think About the Lord

"It makes me want to shout, hallelujah! Thank you Jesus
Lord You're worthy of all the glory, all the honor, all the praise"

I can keep going...

In the song, Jesus Messiah, we sang, "Love so amazing, Love so amazing"
In the song, Mighty to Save, we sang, "Everyone needs compassion love that's never failing, Let mercy fall on me"

Ending with, We Will Worship the Lamb of Glory, and sing "With our hands lifted high we will worship and sing"

The focus of he worship today was "Improving Your Serve." One of the last things the pastor said in his sermon was, "After serving others there are always a lot of leftovers." Think about any time you may have taken time out of your day to give back...how do you feel afterwards? That feeling, a feeling I witness every time I volunteer now, is "leftovers." It's the result of doing what God has called us to do. It is the result of living an overflowing life.

I'm going to go back to the words of the song of Happy Day. "Forever I am changed"

Since the day I accepted Christ into my life I feel forever changed. There is something remarkable happening in my life since that day. There are remarkable things happening in my marriage and in my relationship with others. There is a verse in this same song that says, "Endless joy perfect peace, earthly pain finally will cease."

Wow...I could go on and on with the different lyrics to the songs we sang all weekend and the praises to God, and the messages that were shared. They all bring, "endless joy perfect peace."

I think about how just a short time ago that I could have driven by this church of ours this Sunday morning with the entire congregation standing outside singing in worship and wondered, what is going on there? I'm so joyful that I didn't have to wonder and that I was a part of it!

"When I think about the Lord, how He picked me up turned me around, how He set my feet on solid ground."

I've mentioned that I'm so scared of this just being some high and of finding myself under that same dark cloud again...scared of finding myself stuck in a storm again. The band on Friday evening spoke to how "in the storms he is with us." I believe that while I didn't even realize it at the time, God was with Scott and I through our storms. Storms are a part of life, and while I'm still scared of them, I know that believing in Gods presence with me will help me get through whatever storms may come my way.

I can't help it anymore but to share how God's presence in my life has forever changed my life. I stop and think about how different this blog would be if I was writing it with that dark cloud over me. Part of my goal was to share how it felt to be under that dark cloud, but what I find myself wanting to share is how better life can be. Life can be beautiful! "Love so amazing, Love so amazing."

I could consume my blogs with stories of the storms my husband and I have faced, but I can also share how God stayed with us through our storms (even when we didn't believe) and when I look at my husband now I feel a love that is so amazing. Which would you rather hear?

This weekend every time I was standing on the lawn of our church I had no difficulties lifting up my arms and dancing. It all of the sudden it came so easily...so I share this picture again, because with God's presence I feel as though I'm always lifting my arms and dancing.

Divine Romance

2011-08-18T17:08:00.000-07:00

As I've mentioned before, I listen to a Christian radio station while I'm at work called K-Love. The below song (Divine Romance) came on and I immediately pulled up the lyrics. What came to mind is a discussion I've had with my husband several times on how badly I want to lift my arms up when at church and the worship team is singing. I can't really explain why it is so hard for me to simply just lift up my arms other than to say having that feeling is still so new to me. But, when this song came on I had this vision of myself dancing with my arms up in the air. Something like this....it's that Soulful Joy just doing magical things!

Partial Lyrics to Divine Romance, by Phil Wickham

The fullness of Your grace is here with me
The richness of Your beauty’s all I see
The brightness of Your glory has arrived
In Your presence God, I’m completely satisfied

For You I sing I dance
Rejoice in this divine romance
Lift my heart and my hands
To show my love, to show my love

I honestly don't know if this is just some high, as there are times I'm so scared of falling to that lowest point again. I know we all have our bad days, but I'm talking about when you feel as though you have hit rock bottom and you lose the fight to pull yourself back up. Maybe the fact that I've been there and know what that feels like will help keep me from going there again. Maybe finally knowing what it feels like to have the fullness of Gods grace here with me will keep me from going there again.

The feeling of "Divine Romance" is so much better. I honestly feel like each morning I wake up I'm falling in love with life all over again. Each day I'm reminded of how blessed I am. Waking up to the loving eyes of my husband. Receiving my daily "hello mother" call from my Sailor. Seeing the constant fullness of life that resides in my younger son. And, always having the presence of God with me. "I'm completely satisfied."

The church service this coming Sunday will be held outside as part of a FamFest weekend. I think it is time for me to life my arms up and dance!

After spending an hour doing my monthly sanity check (monthly session with my shrink) I realized that my feeling of Joy is truly overflowing. I simply couldn't stop talking about all the things going on in my life that are continually filling me with Joy. Today alone was a day filled with Joy...

- An email from a Navy Mom saying she will have a layover in Chicago coming up and would I like to meet for lunch. YES YES YES! I didn't need time to think about that reply.

- Discovering that there is a N4M Illinois and N4M Chicago group on the Navy For Moms website. Don't know why it took my so long to search out those groups, but so joyful that I finally did. And...the N4M Chicago group is getting together in October!!

- A friend request from one of those Mom's in the groups above saying, "Hello and I hope to get to meet you soon."

- A call from my Sailor sharing his excitement over learning something new.

- Postings on my N4M Facebook page sharing our favorite memories from graduations (PIR).

- My shrink telling me that I don't need to feel guilty for choosing to fill my time with things that bring me joy, instead of doing what might be expected of me. Spring Cleaning....I'm throwing that guilt out the door!!

I have so many reasons to lift up my arms and dance!

LIFE IS GOOD!

Spring Cleaning!

2011-08-17T19:39:00.000-07:00

Yes, I know...it's almost fall. Bear with me while I share with you how I came upon this title...

Consider this, "Do the things that are absolutely necessary or make you happy. Let everything else drift away." and also this, "Your true purpose is whatever makes you feel most joyful."

How did I stumble upon this message? Well...first, God continues to do remarkable things in my life, which I believe is what led me to this message.

About two months ago I sprained my ankle. This was very frustrating as I hated the limitations it placed upon me. I am blessed that my office has a fitness center so every day during lunch I go to the fitness center for my daily workout. It's clockwork...11:00 a.m. my boss knows I'm gone. My usual routine is to run three miles on the treadmill. Running along to my Ipod playing as loud as it will go. I always wondered if it was too loud for those that may be running next to me. I guess I didn't care enough as I never turned it down.

With a sprained ankle, which I'm still recovering from, running has no longer been an option. Oh...that Ipod, well it was turned over to my son after I accidentally washed his in the laundry. (oops)

A sprained ankle was not going to keep me from my workout, however, my workout the first couple weeks was limited to sit ups and stretching. I have now moved to riding a bike...YAY! I think it will be a while before running is an option again.

With an Ipod no longer an option, I started bringing a book with me. I never felt reading a book was practical while running (too bouncy). I rather enjoy the change. After I finished reading The Shack I wasn't sure what to move to next. When it came time to leave for my workout I found myself grabbing my Bible. I hesitated for a moment and thought, "What will people think of me riding a bike and reading a bible?" I then hesitated again and thought, ""Who cares, I'm bringing my bible!"

Today when I went for my workout I didn't have any book with me so I grabbed a magazine. The Oprah Magazine. I have to say I haven't been a constant follower of Oprah due to my work schedule, but I have always admired her and when I do catch a show I'm inspired by her. This particular magazine was an old one...March 2010. Hence, Spring Cleaning! I'm sorry, took me a while to get to that.

I came across multiple articles in this magazine that really hit home. Like the one that includes the quote I shared above, "Your true purpose is whatever makes you feel most joyful." I shared the Ipod story with you as I discovered that reading a book, or my Bible!, brought me much more joy than listening to my Ipod. And, maybe riding a bike is what I should be doing instead of running. God works in mysterious ways.

So, Spring Cleaning...it's much more than what we think of when you hear those words. It's much more than cleaning up around the house and cleaning out closets. What are the things that you are doing that bring you the most Joy? That is where you need to focus your energy. Rid your life of the things that bring your down or hold you back. "Clean up your life," as Oprah says in this magazine.

One of the articles in the magazine is titled, Packing up your Psychic Baggage. My first thought was, I have alot of "psychic baggage." The author, Amy Bloom, says, "Sometimes spring cleaning requires a good, long look at oneself." While it is a one-day-at-a-time process, I'm ready to rid myself of that "psychic baggage" I carry around.

Obviously, changing everything that may bring you down isn't always possible. Like a job, for instance. However, I've discovered there is an option for creating a balance...find something that does fill you with Joy. While I can't say my job really brings me down, I'm just not convinced it is where I should be, but instead I'm focused on filling my free time with things that fill me with joy. The volunteer work I now do fills me with tremendous joy. Time with my family and friends fills me so much joy. Letting go and sharing through this blog fills me joy.

A mom responded to one of my recent posts recently saying (I hope she doesn't mind me sharing), "Beth, Beth, Beth....you are wasting your time at your job. You should instead be a writer. Honestly. Yes, you. Your articles are from the heart and all can relate, even those w/o a loved one in the armed services."

I believe, the more I allow myself to follow the direction of what brings me joy, remarkable things will happen. Quite possibly, I have a future ahead of me as a writer. Quite possibly, God has something else in mind for me.

Oh, back to Oprah, I don't believe that I have ever shared that I (yes, me) received an email and a phone call from The Oprah Show. My amazing husband back while he was in training shared some of our story with them, and my blog, and they were apparently a bit impressed. While the show is no longer on the air they were passing our story on to the new network. So, yes, I plan to focus my energy on the things that bring me joy!

LIFE IS GOOD!

Am I prepared for a Deployment?

2011-08-15T17:14:00.000-07:00

Coming off a weekend of "playing Army," this is on my mind. That is what my husband always says ("I'm going to play Army") when he goes for his Battle Assembly weekends with his Reserve unit. Obviously, I didn't "play Army" in terms of how my husband "plays Army," but I played Army wife Army.

As the FRG leader (Family Readiness Group) for my husband's unit, I had a meeting first thing Saturday morning with his Commander and MSG (Master Sergeant) to finalize details for the Family Day we had yesterday. Following the meeting I made my way to Operation Support Our Troops were I spent the rest of my morning going through an orientation to become a volunteer. A good portion of my evening was then spent shopping, pulling together goody bags for the little ones in my husbands units and preparing information packets for the family members.

We were up bright and early Sunday morning to finish things up and then head to Great Lakes Naval Base for a day at the Beach with his unit. What a beautiful place! While the weather wasn't perfect for swimming, it sure contributed to some great pictures.

Back to the title of this blog...Am I prepared for a Deployment? Are my husband and I prepared for a Deployment? I ask this because that dreaded word came up several times over the course of our weekend. When my husband came home on Saturday from his day of "playing Army," he said the MSG stated once again to the Soldiers that "deployments are coming." Actually, several individuals from my husbands unit have recently been deployed.

During the family day on Sunday I got involved in a conversation with my husband and one of his Sergeants regarding deployments. Again, they were talking about upcoming deployments in the next year. I asked this particular Sergeant if he was married or had kids. His response, "I love what I do too much to have a family." (those may not have been exact words) This particular Sergeant has done 3 tours and he loves it.

So here I am with that dreaded word on my mind. I have to admit it is pretty much always on my mind, but this past weekend certainly put it to the forefront of my mind. I am full aware that my husband is anxious to feel as though he is done his part in truly serving our country...he is anxious to be deployed. I also know that once he is deployed that there is a good chance he will have the same reaction as the Sergeant we were talking to has had. My husband will love serving his country and will most likely come home after a deployment anxious to be deployed again.

Am I ready for that? How do you prepare for that? The two words I see frequently as a FRG leader are, "Family Resilience." I'm working on an article for the next newsletter for his unit that is title, "How to become Family Strong." Am I qualified to write such an article? In a couple weeks I will be attending a Chain of Command Training that focuses on Family Readiness. Here I am trying to learn everything I can about being prepared for a deployment so I can potentially be there to help the family members of his unit, when I'm not sure if I'm ready.

I keep telling myself that everything I am doing is part of being ready. Everything I read says it is important to stay connected...stay connected as a family, stay connected with the unit, and stay connected to the resources available to you. I believe strongly in all three of those. The whole reason I volunteered as the FRG leader was to stay connected to his unit. I'm very connected to all the resources available to military families...this is why I volunteer with the USO and Operation Support Our Troops. This is why my facebook page is filled with status updates from various military organizations. My family...my family is stronger than ever, and my extended military family is so important to me because I know these will be the people I will rely on for support if my husband is deployed.

But, am I truly ready? There are many things my husband and I need to discuss to really be ready. There is a whole list of things that should be taken care of to be prepared for your spouse to be gone 9-12 months. Trust me, we are not ready.

To me the real question is am I emotionally ready? My husband asked me on Sunday evening, "What was going through your mind today?" First thoughts...next year is right around the corner and 9-12 months is a LONG time. I witness many spouses going through this and have to believe that I can too.

The mission readiness book I have suggests six steps in preparing for a deployment:

1) Communication is the key
2) Expect to go through a series of feelings
3) Plan ahead
4) Be prepared for a shock
5) Intense feelings are normal
6) Once you find a comfortable routine, stay with it

Right now any deployment is all speculation. Do I prepare for this to potentially happen within the next year? Do I continue to plan the vacation we are hoping to take next summer?

The thought of sending him off is really unimaginable to me. I know I did it once, but sending him off to basic training is very different from sending him off to war. I try to be comforted by the fact that he is in a safe job, but are they really safe? Would it be better for me to avoid all news in the meantime? Watching it really doesn't ease my worries, but I can't help but to be drawn to it.

I don't have answers to any of the questions I've asked. I do believe I have to continue doing what I'm doing. I do believe that in the meantime I want to make a difference in making sure all our heroes know that what they are doing is appreciated. I want to do my part in making sure all Americans know the sacrifices of these heroes and their families needs to be honored and remember every day.

I came across a blog site recently...http://www.unknownsoldiersblog.com/

The writer, Tom Sileo, says it perfectly in his most recent post, "Instead of waiting until after a man or woman in uniform is dead to laud their achievements, let's pay attention every single day, and honor their sacrifices by the way we live."

I will honor their sacrifices every day. I will honor the sacrifices my husband and son are willing to make every day. If my husband is deployed, no matter how hard that seperation will be, I will honor his sacrifice and pray daily that God brings him home safely to me.

Soulful Joy

2011-08-13T14:45:00.000-07:00

I feel so lucky to be blessed with the challenge of trying to describe how fabulous the past 24 hours have been. I had the thought today of...."How did I get here?" As I've described in many of my blogs, I constantly struggle with comparing myself against others and never feeling as though I measure up. I tend to find myself jealous of others...jealous of their bigger homes, high priced cars, fancy clothes, ability to take vacations, etc. But, those are just things.

My husband and I attended our first Bible study group gathering last night. I think we both felt as soon as we sat down that we were a bit out of our league...ok, very much out of our league. Here we are walking in with our brand new Bibles and for me I have to admit if I've read any part of the Bible it was when I was younger and I don't recall a thing. What is wonderful is that it didn't matter at all. All that mattered to everyone in that room was that we had a desire to continue to grow in our relationship with Christ. Over the course of the evening we both found our voice and actually contributed some to the conversation. My husband was thrilled when he found out it was allowed to play devils advocate...you would have to really know my husband to understand the humor in that. It was a wonderful evening with a wonderful group of people.

The main message I took from our evening was this..."Joy is embedded in our relationship with Christ." One of the men in our group described the difference between Joy and Happiness. I've never really thought about it. But, those things that we say can bring us happiness (bigger homes, high priced cars, fancy clothes)...guess what, happiness is something that comes from luck, fortune or other self pleasures. Happiness can last for only a moment sometimes. Joy, however, comes from soul satisfying incidents. Joy warms the heart. Joy lasts a lifetime.

So, I realized all this time I spend on being jealous of others is being jealous over their apparent happiness. What I have is JOY.

Again, I stopped for a moment today and wondered, "How did I get here? How did I get to this place of feeling such great Joy?" Getting to this place has such meaning to me because I've been at the complete opposite end. I know how it feels to be at your ultimate low and battling with the desire to "check out."

As I was driving this morning to my husband's unit for a meeting with his Commander I was listening to a Christian radio station and several individuals were calling in to share a story about how they had separated or divorced from their spouse but had found their way back to each other. Listening to these stories brought me that soul satisfying feeling of Joy. I'm joyful for that man that stands beside me every day of my life, even after two separations. That is JOY.

The rest of my morning was spent training with Operation Support Our Troops. WOW. There was a soul satisfying Joy when I walked into their warehouse. That soul satisfying Joy was embedded in each individual there. This is an example of a story that needs to be shared to bring understanding of the feeling you can get by giving back to the brave men and women that serve our country. I wish I was much better with words.

I was only there for an orientation and I found myself close to tears the entire morning. Here was a group of individuals, for all different reasons, joined together to show our troops that they will not be forgotten and to send them a touch of home in the form of care packages. There were many volunteers there because they have a loved one that is serving, or has served. Many that have someone currently in Afghanistan or Iraq. Some that even served themselves. There were a few Gold Star Moms there (Moms that lost a son or daughter). There was one God Star Mom that will soon be participating in a Leap of Faith conference and as part of that conference she will parachute out of a plane attached to a Soldier. WOW! This mother continues to find Joy in her life even after going through the pain of losing a child to this war.

There was an overwhelming sense of Joy building in me all morning as I was so touched by watching the care and love that was given to each care package that was put together. Stop and think about the number of hands that most likely touched those care packages that are now in route to our troops. From the person who donated, to the person or organization that collected, to the person that transported the collected items, to the person that sorted, to the person that bagged, to the person that boxed, to the person that loaded them on the truck. Again, WOW!

As I was preparing to leave, all of the sudden we were blessed with parents coming in with their Soldier who had just returned home from Afghanistan. The room just exploded in cheers!!!

LIFE IS GOOD!

A Heavy Heart

2011-08-10T19:45:00.000-07:00

The past couple days I've had a very heavy heart as a result of the helicopter crash in Afghanistan that killed 31 of our American troops, many of them being Navy Seals. I don't even know how to properly share the emotions I've felt.

I woke up Sunday morning to the news and soon my facebook page was filled with news reports and other posts from friends regarding the events. Comments expressing shock, sadness and prayers were everywhere. Comments such as..."Our hearts are broken!"

The 31 men and women that were killed were referred to as heroes. These 31 men and women are heroes and they paid the ultimate sacrifice of this war.

Prayers continue to go out to the families and friends of these heroes. These heroes were sons, daughters, husbands, wives, brothers and sisters. As the President and CEO of the USO said yesterday as these heroes were brought home, "For all the families of all those who have lost their lives in service to our country, today is a day for us to take extra time to reflect on what these great Americans committed to do and the sacrifices they have endured for us."

I've seen it stated in different places that there are many civilians that don't realize the sacrifice that these brave men and women are making every day for our country. I have to be honest, until this past year I didn't fully realize that sacrifice. Yes, I've always held great respect for those that choose to serve, but it wasn't something that was at the forefront of my mind. If I were not a military family, would I be walking around with the same heavy heart? I can say for certain, my facebook page would have look significantly different and a decent amount of time probably would have passed before I was even aware of this tragic event.

I believe it is difficult to relate to the sacrifice unless you are a military family. I believe it is easy to go about your daily life in the wake of such tragic events if you are not a military family. I say this, but want to be clear that I know there are many who are not part of a military family that do fully understand the sacrifice. My point is, that I can understand those that do not.

As a Navy Mom, when I see the comment..."families are still being notified," my heart just breaks. Again, as the President and CEO of the USO said, "loved ones need and deserve our unyielding support."

Before becoming a military mom I had never heard the term Blue Star Mom or Gold Star Mom. Do you know what these are? I remember when I first heard the term Gold Star Mom and I asked what is that..."something you hope you never become." A Gold Star Mom is someone who has lost a son or daughter in the service of our country.

I read another blog were it describes why the loss of a military member is different from any other loss. They refer to the emotions that lead up to that death. I think this what many may not understand. The gaps in time that you don't hear from them...the worry and the emotions of waiting. I could try to use my own words here, but instead I will post a link to this blog. What hits home is when she writes, "Be there now, not just for those who have lost, but for those who are still waiting for a safe return."

http://likeitfortime.com/2011/08/08/a-tragic-loss-and-a-fresh-call-to-bridge-the-divide/

President Obama said in a statement, "We will draw inspiration from their lives, and continue the work of securing our country and standing up for the values that they embodied. At this difficult hour, all Americas are united in support of our men and women in uniform who serve so that we can live in freedom and security."

My heart is still heavy, and I'm still easily brought to tears when I think of the heartbreak these family members are going through at this moment. I remember clearly how Americans came together after the horrific events of 9/11. My hope...my prayer is that we do the same now. My hope...my prayer is that we do this continually.

I follow the efforts of Michelle Obama and Jill Biden in their campaign called, "Joining Forces," where they urge all Americans to reach out to military families and provide your support. As as military wife and mom, I believe that if we are to touch the hearts of all Americans we need to lead by example. I've witnessed how we come together and support each other. Share those stories. Share both the triumphs and the heartaches, and continue to be there for each other.

I share this not only because I'm a military wife and mom, but because becoming a military wife and mom has taught me how important it is for us to all fully understand the sacrifice that is being made by these brave men and women. To fully understand the sacrifice of the family members of these brave men and women.

“Our military families deserve our respect and support at every stage of their lives.”
– Michelle Obama

Our Pure Light

2011-08-03T19:45:00.000-07:00

I receive a weekly newsletter from author Jon Gordon. This week’s newsletter contained the below:

Sea Turtles…and Distractions that Lead Us in the Wrong Direction

As I walked on the beach the other day I noticed that certain areas were closed off by fences and signs that said “Sea Turtle Eggs.”
I remembered reading that female sea turtles swim to shore between May and August to dig nests in the sand and lay their eggs. Months later, the eggs hatch and the baby turtles follow the pure light of the moon back to the surf.
In a perfect world, the pure light of the moon guides every turtle back safely to the ocean.
However, as we know, we don’t live in a perfect world.
Sea Turtle hatchlings instinctively crawl toward the brightest light. On an undeveloped beach, the brightest light is the moon. On a developed beach, the brightest light can be an artificial light source emanating from restaurants, homes and condominiums along the coast.
Unfortunately, these powerful artificial sources of light often attract the hatchlings and cause them to move in the wrong direction when they are born.
Rather than follow the pure light of the moon to the ocean the sea turtles follow the wrong light to a disastrous outcome.
It occurred to me that we humans face a similar challenge.
Rather than follow the path we were meant to follow, unfortunately we too often are distracted by things that move us in the wrong direction.
Technology, online games, too much time on Facebook, bad habits, addictions, stress, busyness and meaningless distractions lead us astray.
Instead of following the pure light of perfection we allow bright and shiny artificial things to sabotage our journey.
So, what about you?
Are you following your priorities and pure light to the right destination or are you allowing artificial distractions to lead you in the wrong direction?
Are you following the path you were meant to follow or are you letting meaningless things keep you from being your best?
The great news is that unlike sea turtles we have the ability to think, adapt and change direction when we realize we are following the wrong path.
We can tune out the distractions and focus on our priorities and let the pure light lead us to an ocean of possibilities and a great future!
-Jon
http://www.jongordon.com

It was another one of those articles that really hit me. I loved how he related it to humans facing a similar challenge in being easily distracted from that “pure light.” How true is that?

I just recently found this out about Sea Turtles. Not sure if I should admit that I learned this fact from watching a Miley Cyrus Movie, The Last Song. Again, not sure if I should admit that I cried through most of this movie. In any case, I loved the parts of the movie when she was staying up all night on the beach to protect the Sea Turtles until they hatched so she could help direct them to the “pure light of the moon.” Wouldn’t it be wonderful if someone was watching over us to help make sure we don’t get distracted from the “pure light?”

Wait…there is!

PLEASE don’t give up on me with my constant references to my new found faith. I don’t want to make anyone feel uncomfortable, but what I’m continually trying to convey is there is such great power in having faith…such great power in having hope…such great power in believing.

There was a guest speaker at church this past Sunday who spoke to a story from the Gospel of Matthew.

Jesus Walks on the Water

22 Immediately Jesus made the disciples get into the boat and go on ahead of him to the other side, while he dismissed the crowd. 23 After he had dismissed them, he went up on a mountainside by himself to pray. When evening came, he was there alone, 24 but the boat was already a considerable distance from land, buffeted by the waves because the wind was against it. 25 During the fourth watch of the night Jesus went out to them, walking on the lake. 26 When the disciples saw him walking on the lake, they were terrified. "It's a ghost," they said, and cried out in fear. 27 But Jesus immediately said to them: "Take courage! It is I. Don't be afraid." 28 "Lord, if it's you," Peter replied, "tell me to come to you on the water." 29 "Come," he said. Then Peter got down out of the boat, walked on the water and came toward Jesus. 30 But when he saw the wind, he was afraid and, beginning to sink, cried out, "Lord, save me!" 31 Immediately Jesus reached out his hand and caught him. "You of little faith," he said, "why did you doubt?" 32 And when they climbed into the boat, the wind died down.

The message he was giving, God is with you through your storms. I think it is important to notice the word “through” in that message. God is with you through your storms. God isn’t there to prevent the storms, but to help you through them. “Take courage! It is I. Don’t be afraid.”

If we believe, if we have faith, he will help keep us on that path to the pure light.

As written in a book, The Shack

And, I love this message from the book…“Pain has a way of clipping our wings and keeping us from being able to fly. And if it’s left unresolved for very long, you can almost forget that you were ever created to fly in the first place.”

Our distractions, our storms, our pain…they are all things that can re-route us from the path to our pure light if we choose to let them. But instead, I suggest believing that Jesus is reaching out his hand to us and saying, “Take courage! It is I. Don’t be afraid.”

I know firsthand how easily we can be distracted from the right path. I’ve been there. I’ve had my moments of being in the complete opposite direction from that pure light. I’ve had my moments (moments that are more like years) of believing that there was no one watching out for me to help guide me towards that pure light. I know that feeling of seeing only pain and completely losing sight of God. I know that feeling of having your wings clipped and believing you were not meant to fly.

The message I shared from Jon Gordon refers to the meaningless distractions that lead us astray, but I’m referring to those distractions that leave you crippled to the core. The ones that make you believe there is no way you will ever get turned back around towards the direction of that pure light.

I keep referring back to my new faith because finding it again it what has finally turned me in the right direction. I pick up this book, The Shack, for the second time and I GET IT! I guess I can’t help myself in sharing because my prayers now are for everyone to get it.

Take that hand that is being placed out there for you to grab hold of. “Take courage. It is I. Don’t be afraid.”

A Special Birthday

2011-07-31T12:59:00.000-07:00

I feel the need to brag about how wonderful my birthday was yesterday. I'm actually quite fond of birthdays. Let's admit...it's nice to have a day that is all about you!

My birthday morning began with a hug and kiss from my fabulous hubby. As I mentioned in yesterday's post, he was out the door first thing for a softball tournament.

As soon as my youngest son, Jeremy, woke up he screamed, "Happy Birthday Mom" from his room.
By about 9:00 a.m. I received a text from my Sailor saying, "Happy bday!!!" :)

My phone was beeping throughout the day with birthday messages on Facebook, or sent by text or email. By the end of the day I think I had about 50 messages on Facebook from family and friends. How lovely!!

I received the most incredible card from Jeremy and his girlfriend...nothing is better than a handmade card. Thank you SO much Jeremy and Hayley.

I was going to head out to watch my hubby play softball, but instead ended up meeting up with family for a day at the beach. Jeremy and his girlfriend came along.

Me and Jeremy

I wish I had some pictures from the beach, but my camera has appeared to stop working and I've been relying on my phone for the pictures I'm sharing.

We had a wonderful couple hours at the beach!!

Oh wait...I did see my hubby briefly before heading out between his games and he came home with flowers and a beautiful card!!!

Incase you can't read the card, it says, "I may not be the brightest guy in the world, but I'm smart enough to know that we have a great life together. And that's because of you. Happy Birthday."

I love that man!!!

After returning from the beach we were getting ready for a night out with friends. We went with neighbors to Kampai, which is a Japanese Steakhouse restaurant and had way too much food, but it was so yummy. We then returned to the house and started a fire. Again, wish I had pictures, but here is one to share with you of our patio were we have spent many of evenings the summer with great friends! Not the greatest picture, but the best investment we ever made was putting this patio in.

The wonderful thing about starting a fire in our front yard and having this fabulous patio is throughout the night various neighbors and friends stop by to say hello. Last night we ended up with quite the crowd and I couldn't have asked for a better evening.

Here are some pictures of some great gifts I received from awesome friends...

I did not know this, but elephants are believed to bring good luck and to have the magical power to take away troubles. How cool! The card with the elephant says that it is made in Courgar, Washington using Ash that fell on Cougar during the June 12, 1980 eruption of Mt. St. Helen.

The DVD is actually Spider Man. This was quite funny last night because when I opened it in the dark it looked completely different. I swear I thought my friends had given me a porn movie. LOL.

Here is a picture shared by one of my friends on Facebook of our fabulous fire.

The entire day was just perfect. The only thing missing was actually having my Sailor home. Later in the evening I was missing him and sent him a text..."Really do miss u!!!" He responded saying, "Miss u 2 mom."

Again, it was a perfect day spent with my amazing family and ended with wonderful friends. Lots of laughs and smiles throughout the day. A phrase I love to use sums it all up...."Who Could Ask For Anything More."

I truly feel blessed! LIFE IS GOOD!!

You're Beautiful

2011-07-30T05:54:00.000-07:00

Today is my birthday! I'm 42-years-old; however, my lovely husband keeps trying to convince me that I'm 43. Not sure why...lol. My husband was up and out of the house early this morning for a softball tournament. This tournament is considered one of the biggest ones of the softball season and just happens to fall on my birthday weekend every year. I guess something I've gotten use to. We do plan to go out for dinner later with friends.

Last night we met up with some of my highschool friends and then spent the rest of our evening with neighbors hanging out on their driveway with a fire going. This has become a Friday night ritual for us now. Love it too!!

I love that while I was sleeping all night that Happy Birthday messages started filling my Facebook page beginning at about 12 a.m. What a wonderful thing to wake up to. I'm looking forward to relaxing this morning and then maybe spoiling myself by going to get a pedicure and manicure.

As my birthday approached I found myself a little quiet yesterday. As we were driving to meet up with my highschool friends a song came on the radio that started to bring tears to my eyes. First, let me point out that I now only listen to K-Love, which is a Christian radio station. I love every single song they play. I play this station online while at work. I play only this station when in my car. There are many times when the songs played make me cry. They make me cry because I can identify so much with the lyrics. They make me cry because I'm so thankful to have found my faith again. They make me cry because they fill me with hope.

So the song that came on last night....Beautiful Song, by MercyMe.

Days will come when you don't have the strength
And all you hear is you're not worth anything
Wondering if you ever could be loved
And if they truly saw your heart
They'd see too much

You're beautiful, You're beautiful
You are made for so much more than all of this
You're beautiful, You're beautiful
You are treasured, you are sacred, you are His
You're beautiful

Praying that you have the heart to fight
'Cause you are more than what is hurting you tonight
For all the lies you've held inside so long
But they are nothing in the shadow of the cross

Before you ever took a breath
Long before the world began
Of all the wonders He possessed
There was one more precious
Of all the earth and skies above
You're the one He madly loves
Enough to die!

You're beautiful, You're beautiful
In His eyes

You're beautiful!
You are made for so much more than all of this
You're beautiful!
You are treasured, you are sacred, you are His
You're beautiful! You're beautiful!
You are made for so much more than all of this
You're beautiful! You're beautiful!
You are treasured
You are sacred
You are His

As soon as I heard the first line of this song..."Days will come when you don't have the strength" I felt as though he was singing to me.

Before we had left the house yesterday to meet up with friends I was having another one of those days of self destruction in my mind. What exactly do I mean by that? That constant voice that returns and fills my mind with negative thoughts. That constant voice that I have allowed to convince me that I'm not good enough. That voice that has convinced me that I am not beautiful. That voice that fills my mind and makes it dreadful to get ready to go out...you're fat...nothing fits anymore...why did you allow yourself to put back on the weight that you worked so hard to lose? That voice that fills my head and silences me and keeps me from just letting go and be the person I want to be.

So that song spoke to me. It spoke to me with such strength. It gave me an inner strength of knowing that I need to believe in those words. It gave me hope. It gave me hope to believe that I'm so much more than those thoughts that fill my mind. It gave me hope to believe that I am Beautiful!

Today is my birthday...today I will believe those words, "You're Beautiful."

"Love Really is Everything"

2011-07-29T15:18:00.000-07:00

A quote was shared recently on Facebook that was said by an amazing woman.

"Love really is everything. There IS nothing else. We have to let go of the other crap to begin to live in love and light every day of our lives. Anxiety makes this more difficult, but I beseech you to reach for love every time." - Lori Lynn Baur 7/21/69 - 2/19/11

What a beautiful way to live your life.

As shared in a tribute to Lori, “When you hear the term “battle” in reference to cancer, Lori Lynn Baur Meli exemplified the definition. Despite metastatic breast cancer, Lori planned each day of her life to the fullest.”

In a blog by Mike Robbins (remember him? I’ve talked about him in many previous posts) he talks about his mother who recently passed away. In his blog he provides some examples on how to embrace death. One of them was:

Live With Passion - Going for it, being bold, and living our lives with a genuine sense of passion is so important. However, it’s easy to get caught up in our concerns or to worry what other people will think about us. My mom, who was a pretty passionate woman throughout her life, began to live with a deeper level of passion, even as her body was deteriorating. In her final days and weeks, she engaged everyone in conversation, talked about what she was passionate about, shared grandiose ideas, and let go of many of her concerns about the opinions of others. It was amazing and such a great model and reminder of the importance of passion.

Another blog was shared with me recently by my brother…

Your most rewarding role

Be your best by being you. Be highly effective by being highly authentic.

Stop wasting your effort and energy to hide who you truly are. Your greatest value is in your own uniqueness, so let that value freely flow from you.

There is great power in truth. In the truth of who you are is the power to be the best you can be.

Allow the boundless energy of your authentic desires to keep you enthusiastic and inspired. Let yourself be unapologetically who you are and let your beautiful inner value be expressed in ways that benefit all those around you.

Say what you know is true, and do what you know is right. Give your best by being faithful to what you know is best.

Let everyone else be like everyone else. Your most rewarding role is to be you.

— Ralph Marston

What powerful messages!

Lori Baur lived a life that was about making a difference in the world. I believe if you truly believe that love really is everything, live a life of passion and be your best by just being you that there is no way you won’t make a difference in the world. We all have the power within us to make a difference in the world.

In church our pastor is doing a sermon series on the Ten Commandments.

"And God spoke all these words, saying: 'I am the LORD your God…
ONE: 'You shall have no other gods before Me.'
TWO: 'You shall not make for yourself a carved image--any likeness of anything that is in heaven above, or that is in the earth beneath, or that is in the water under the earth.'
THREE: 'You shall not take the name of the LORD your God in vain.'
FOUR: 'Remember the Sabbath day, to keep it holy.'
FIVE: 'Honor your father and your mother.'
SIX: 'You shall not murder.'
SEVEN: 'You shall not commit adultery.'
EIGHT: 'You shall not steal.'
NINE: 'You shall not bear false witness against your neighbor.'
TEN: 'You shall not covet your neighbor's house; you shall not covet your neighbor's wife, nor his male servant, nor his female servant, nor his ox, nor his donkey, nor anything that is your neighbor's.'”

The pastor dives deeper into each of these commandments to point out that they mean so much more than what you see in front of you. For example, when it says ‘you shall not murder,’ it isn’t simply referring to the act of murder. It is much more than the act of murder. I could do a blog on each commandment sharing how our pastor described each commandment, but I know deep down we all know what they are saying.

These commandments are guidelines on how we should strive to live our lives. These commandments are guidelines on how to have more meaningful relationships with everyone around us. I think it would be appropriate to end the commandments with Lori’s quote, “Love Really is Everything.” Isn’t that what the commandments are telling us?

I walk out of church every Sunday and those messages on each commandment have such a powerful effect on me. They inspire me to be a better person. They inspire me to embrace the relationships I have and to think about those that require me to make amends. They make me stop and think before I react. For example, how many times do we say “Oh My God” or just write “OMG” in a text or email?” Is that not taking the name of our God in vain? The OMG may seem as though I'm going overboard with my possible sins against these commandments, but I don't think God was telling us we only needed to follow a few of the commandments. After leaving church one Sunday morning my husband commented on how his encounter with another softball player the night before was probably not appropriate. I don’t think he would have previously given it another thought.

Instead of me going on and on…I simply just want to encourage everyone to believe in those words said by Lori, “LOVE REALLY IS EVERYTHING!” Let those words be your focus of each and every day.

Six Months Ago...my emotions as I prepared to send my son off to Boot Camp

2011-07-19T20:03:00.000-07:00

I didn’t realize this at first, but another Navy Mom had posted on our Facebook page that six months ago our sons, daughters and husbands had left for Boot Camp. This brought back some flashbacks.

I remember the day so clearly. I remember wanting time to stop. I remember thinking that I didn’t know how I would get through saying good-bye to my son.

I decided to go back to the comments on the N4M site during the time when we were preparing for our Sailors to leave. I was going to try and recap the emotions I was going through during that time, but after reading some of the comments I had posted I think this says it all…

navyformoms.com

Comments posted by me...

1.5.11

It is two weeks until my son leaves for Boot Camp (1/18 to hotel -- 1/19 to GL). I broke down several times watching him say good-bye to his father, but have been keeping myself busy the past couple days. I know the closer the day gets the harder it will become. I always try to sound positive on my notes, as it is what helps me get through each day. But, I'm right with all of you in terms of how hard this is. We will get through this together!!

1.6.11

I think that realization hit this morning. I miss my husband so much and the thought of my son also leaving in less than two weeks seems unbearable all of the sudden.

1.11.11

Ok....here at work and out of the blue I will just start crying. I have to say following the brief cry I start laughing and tell myself, "geez--pull it together Beth."

1.11.11

Good morning all! I was reading all the posts last night while trying to work too. It remains very hard to focus on work. I enjoyed seeing everyone that has had a SR leave recently connect and provide support to each other. I know those of us with a SR leaving shorting will be in need of that same support. My emotions are all over the board so I sometimes sit here unsure what to actually say. I was holding it together relatively well...I think I was more focused on dealing with my husband returning to basic training again. The fact that we are only a week away really started to hit me. Every time I remember that my husband will not be there by my side to say good-bye and give me that strong shoulder to cry on seems unbearable. I'm so proud of both my soldier and my sailor, but there are days (many days) when I want to pull them back in and make time freeze. As for my SR, he seems ready to go. I think this is partly because he was originally suppose to leave a year ago, but then everything was delayed due to an injury. I kept thinking I would be sending him to the Navy for them to turn him into this wonderful young man, but over this past year he has become that wonderful young man. He has matured significantly and is handling his last days with excitement and making sure he spends time with the people that matter most to him. It can be incredibly powerful and emotional to sit back and watch it all. My thoughts and prayers continue to be with all of you.

1.13.11

If I were to stop and write down all the different emotions I'm experiencing (that I'm sure we are all experiencing) I'm pretty sure I would fill a page.

1.14.11

I keep needing to hold back the tears every time I get an RSVP for my sons party tomorrow. I'm so thrilled that most of my family and my husband’s family will be there for him. We both come for big families so it will be a great gathering. I'm so excited, bursting with pride and incredibly emotional at the same time. My son actually sat down and watched a movie with me before heading out for the night!!

1.15.11 -- Send-Off Party

Surprise!

with his Uncle Ken

Me and my future Sailor

with his Grandpa Emm

with his Grandpa and Grandma

with Aunts, Uncles and Cousins

with his Uncle Kevin

1.17.11

I read the comments from all that are already experiencing the emotions of having them gone, and you're all getting through it, which means we all can - right? I've tried to be so strong all the way along, but I truly don't know how I will get through watching him leave from MEPS.

1.18.11

I brought my son to the recruiter this morning and he had to briefly go to MEPS. About an hour later I picked him up from MEPS and we all went bowling together. It was a wonderful time!! He has to check into the hotel shortly, but I just need to take him there to check in and then he can come back home for at bit. We plan to have a quiet evening at the house watching movies.

1.18.11

1.19.11

I’m leaving for MEPS soon. While I'm getting ready I have multiple Blue candles lit. I told my son that in a text and he thought that was so cool. It was so hard dropping him off at the hotel last night and watching him say good-bye to his younger brother. But, it was also a very proud moment as I watched the two of them hug. My son told his brother..."remember, mom can't do it all on her own." And then they both said I love you to each other. Thank you for all the continuous words of encouragement and to everyone for sharing their experience each day. It helps so much knowing we are not alone and that we are all praying for each other. As your SR arrives in Chicago, or for even those that have already arrived, as I drive by Great Lakes later today I will wave and say a quick prayer to please provide all of them with the strength needed to get through these next eight weeks.

It's official...contract signed, sworn-in and ready to go

the bus to Great Lakes

1.19.11

Hope my picture came through (I think it has to be approved first??)...my gift to all of you with a SR that has arrived at Great Lakes.

Driving by Great Lakes

Lots of love was sent there way as we drove by the exit. And, how appropriate that on my way home I received my last text from my son as he was arriving Great Lakes saying that it was his last message and that he loved me and missed me already just as I was passing this same exit. Ok...that is when I officially lost it. It was tears of absolute pride. I'm now home waiting on that "I'm here" call. My thoughts and prayers are with all of you.

1.19.11

I just received the call. YAY!! He sounded great and said he was excited to get started. I hope those still waiting on their call get one soon.

Actually surviving Boot Camp will be described in another post soon to come.

Love and hugs to all my N4M friends. I love how we continue to take this journey together.

Proud to be an American

2011-07-17T10:49:00.000-07:00

Over the past 24 hours thoughts have been filling my brain of how to share how wonderful each second of these past 24 hours were. Actually, it has probably been more than 24 hours. My entire weekend was true to the word..."perfect."

It started on Friday evening with simply sitting on our front porch with a fire going enjoying time with some wonderful neighbors. The evening brought lots of smiles to my face.

Yesterday morning began by joining other USO volunteers to help welcome home a Soldier from Afghanistan. What a heartwarming experience. We joined this Soldier's family and all stood there waiting for him to come off the plane. We were lined up in two lines with a big "Welcome Home Troops" sign and a yellow rose to hand to the Soldier when we saw him. I kept looking at this Soldier's parents as they stood waiting to see their son for the first time in eight months. The excitement and love in their eyes was so beautiful. As passengers came off the plane one walked by and said, "Thanks for doing this for our troops." As we stood and waited the parents finally said, "Here he comes." It was right at that moment that tears started to fill my eyes. I don't even know this person coming home, but I completely felt the emotions of his family and couldn't help but to cry. The Soldier came and thanked each of us for being there. I welcomed him home and thanked him for his service and then walked up to his parents and hugged them both and thanked them for their service. It was a beautiful 15 minutes!

From there my husband and I were off to an event being held by Operation Support Our Troops, called 'Rockin' For the Troops.'

Here is the point that I will just start sharing all the thoughts I've been having about how incredible this evening was.

On our way to the event we stopped to pick up items in need by our troops to join Operation Support Our Troops in preparing care packages to be sent overseas. After I dropped the items in the donation box a volunteer gave me two cards to include a note from us. The words that come to me all the time are, Thank you! We are praying for your safe and speedy return home. Stay Strong and Proud! God Bless!

We then found a spot on the lawn to enjoy the rest of our evening listening to great music.

Opening announcements included an introduction to an organization called, Shave the Nation. What does this organization do? To raise awareness for our freedom, liberty and American patriotism they provide red, white and blue mohawks. They were at the event last night giving mohawks and spray painting hair all evening. I wish I had pictures to share of the different things people had done to their hair. I do have one though....my husband showing his support. This organization donated $10,000 last night to Operation Support Our Troops.

There was a video that kept playing on the large screens about Operation Support our Troops and Rockin' for the Troops. There was a military mom that talked about the feeling she had the first time she attended the Rockin' for the Troops event. I fully understood that feeling she described. The second we pulled into that parking lot yesterday you could feel the love and support from everyone around you.

Then the Opening Ceremonies began, which included a performance by Josh Gracin. I had never heard of this man before, but he was an American Idol finalist. He is also a retired Marine. Josh came out and told the story of a military widow, Seana Arrechaga. I found an article where this wife says..

“No matter what he was doing, he dedicated 100 percent to getting it done, even in the last few hours of his life. He was too stubborn to let go because he had too much to live for. That right there is what makes him my hero.”
“In the 1305 days I had him, he showed me how to live with no regrets and how to love with no limits. He taught me that you have to fight for what’s right when no one else will especially when it comes to your family.”

Josh Gracin's song was a tribute to her story, a tribute to all men and women who serve our country and the families that support them at home.

While already in tears at this point, we all then stood for the Pledge of Allegiance and sang the National Anthem. WOW. I don't know how else to describe it.

The night continued with a performance by the Rockie Lynne band. His songs were all incredible patriotic song that made it an easy choice to stop and buy his CD. With each CD purchased he was sending a CD to our troops. One of his songs was titled, "Ain't America Beautiful." As I stood their listening to the band sing those words I thought how amazing it was that that until this past year I was blind to the amazing patriotism that surrounds us. I was blind to how remarkable it is that so many brave men and women have stood up and volunteered to fight for our freedom. I was blind to the amazing strength of the families of these men and women. I was blind to how beautiful America is.

My husband met a couple in front of his and the husband was a patriotic rider who helps escort our troops home. The people behind us were part of an Army Family. We were surrounded by other military families and individuals just there to show their support.

The final performance was by Gary Sinise and the Lt. Dan Band. AWESOME! I would have been willing to sit there all night long listening to them play.

I don't think they could have ended the night any better. With the 10 year anniversary of 9/11 approaching, we ended the night by all standing singing "Proud to be an American" and holding up at least 10,000 lights to remember the lives lost on that day we will never forget.

This is a day when all Americans from every
walk of life unite in our resolve for justice and
peace. America has stood down enemies
before, and we will do so this time. None of us
will ever forget this day. Yet, we go forward to
defend freedom and all that is good and just in
our world. Thank you. Good night, and God
bless America.
President George W. Bush

September 11, 2001

Hope

2011-07-12T18:20:00.000-07:00

When I woke up Sunday morning this movie was on TV. I've seen the movie a couple times and every time I do watch I'm in tears. I love how he continues to persevere. I love how the smile on his sons face can make him smile even when he feels as though his life is falling apart. I just think it is a wonderful story about never giving up on hope.

Emily Dickinson wrote, "Hope is the thing with feathers that perches in the soul, and sings the tune without words, and never stops at all."

"I pray that God, who gives hope, will bless you with complete happiness and peace because of your faith. And may the power of the Holy Spirit fill you with hope." - Romans 15:13

In my own words (not nearly quite as eloquent)...Hope...we have to hold on to Hope.

Today I received one of the weekly inspirational emails I get and it caught me by surprise when the title of it read, "The Joy of Pain." I was taken pleasantly by surprise to find out that is was written by one of my father's favorite authors, M. Scott Peck, M.D., who wrote The Road Less Traveled.

"Life is difficult. This is a great truth, one of the greatest truths. It is a great truth, we transcend it. Once we truly know that life is difficult once we truly understand and accept it then life is no longer difficult. Because once it is accepted, the face that life is difficult no longer matters.

Most do not fully see this truth that life is difficult. Instead they moan more or less incessantly, noisily or subtly, about the enormity of their problems, their burdens, and their difficulties as if life were generally easy, as if life should be easy. They voice their belief, noisily or subtly, that should not be and that has somehow been especially visited upon them, or else upon their families, their tribe, their class, their nation, their race or even their species, and not upon others...

What makes life difficult is that the process of confronting and solving problems is a painful one. Problems, depending upon their nature, evoke in us frustration or grief or sadness or loneliness or guilt or regret or anger or fear or anxiety or anguish or despair. These are uncomfortable feelings, often as painful as any kind of physical pain, sometimes equaling the very worst kind of physical pain. Indeed, it is because of the pain that events or conflicts engender in us that we call them problems. And since life poses and endless series of problems, life is always difficult and is full of pain as well as joy."

I guess this hit me while I was thinking about "hope" because yes, life is difficult, but instead of holding on to that pain we can find joy in hope. Does that make sense?

Yesterday was another day were I got caught up in worrying about one of my children. I was quite upset for a period of time, but I then opened up a new journal that was given to me by my sister-in-law and decided to pray (writing was easier than saying it aloud for me).

My prayer was different from how I remember praying in the past. Previously I would ask for a specific result that I was needing thinking that was what praying was about. Instead, I prayed that he simply stay close to me and give me the strength I need to believe in hope. I need to hope that my children someday allow God into their hearts. I hope for this, I pray for this, because when this happens I believe they will find hope even when in pain.

I can't imagine any of what I'm saying truly makes sense. Sounds good to me, but I'm laughing right now because I have this vision of others reading this saying, "that makes absolutely no sense." Well, maybe at least you get the point I'm trying to make.

Life is difficult. Life can be very difficult. There have been way to many times in my life that I was ready to give up as I had no hope of ever seeing the joy in life. We all have times in our lives when we feel the emotions that Dr. Peck refers to (frustration or grief or sadness or loneliness or guilt or regret or anger or fear or anxiety or anguish or despair). But, WOW, with hope allow yourself to feel those emotions and then find the joy that is there waiting for you.

LIFE IS GOOD!

Being a Parent

2011-07-09T16:16:00.000-07:00

I have no idea what direction I may end up going with this particular post, but the thought that is on my mind at this very moment is that being a parent can just be way too hard sometimes. How many times has it been said that there should be an instruction guide we can pick up that tells us exactly what to do in every possible situation? It's that worrying about them that simply never goes away. I'm having one of those days were I don't feel I'm equipped to deal with that constant worrying. Does that make sense?

I watch my parents, who have raised ten children and I know for a fact that there isn't a day that goes by that they aren't worrying about one of their kids. My parents were worried about me when I came by last weekend and could barely walk because of my ankle sprain and then any time I saw him or talked to him he would say "something isn't right...you need to get to the doctor."

We worry...we worry about everything. Well, I know at least I do, but I'm pretty sure I'm not alone in the worrying department.

I hate to see my kids hurting in any way. And, when I think they are hurting I hate that I'm not quite sure how to reach out to them to give them support. What are the right words? I worry that as a result of how they are feeling that they may make bad choices. I know I've been guilty of turning to destructive behaviors when I was really hurting.

When we are young we don't fully realize what lies ahead for us. When that hurt sets in you feel as though it is the end of the world and life will never get better. I just want to shake them and somehow implant the knowledge into their brain that wow...your life is just beginning! That sounds corny...but, seriously, I've been through alot of hurt and I know now that I'm a stronger person from those experiences.

I shared this quote with my son..

"If you can imagine it, you can achieve it. If you can dream it, you can become it."

I was really struggling with the right words to give him some encouragement. Those sounds good - right? Then I said, "Stay Positive!"

I've become so aware of how supportive and proud we are of all the amazing men and women serving our country. I see the support through posts on various facebook pages I'm now on. I see the support when I stand with a group of USO volunteers at the airport to help welcome home a Soldier. I saw that support when my son was home on liberty and a retired Marine offered to pay for our meal when out for breakfast one morning. The support is amazing. But, what makes me sad is when they don't fully realize the pride they should have in themselves for what they have chosen to do.

I know we encounter moments in our life when we can be so let down and it's hard to realize that things really will get better. As a parent it is so hard to watch your children go through those moments. I have always wanted to be able to make it better instantly. It kills me when I know I can't.

Part of being is a parent is realizing that what they are going through is truly part of life and sometimes we need to sit back and let them work their way through it. What will help give me a sense of comfort is having faith the God is with him even if he doesn't realize it.

Watch over my child, dear Lord.
As he grows, guide him.
As he stumbles, hold him.
In his times of anger, love him.
In his times of fear, touch him.
In his times of foolishness, teach him.
When he strays from your path, retrieve your lost sheep.

Friends

2011-07-08T04:40:00.000-07:00

Last weekend my husband and I went out for dinner to a local restaurant/bar in the area that we go to quite frequently. Since it's a local place we tend to run into someone we know almost every time we are there. About a month ago we ran into another couple we knew and ended up joining them for dinner and had a fabulous evening.

Toward the end of our evening last weekend an old friend of my husbands walked up and said hello. I believe when they were younger they might have been close friends for a period of time, but he really isn't someone my husband has kept in contact with. However, my husband did happen to know that at some point he had been in rehab for a drinking problem. So...my husband asked, "Are you still sober?"

The response took both of us by surprise. The friend responded that he was about to have his first drink.

I wasn't sure how my husband would react to the response from this old friend, but I must say I was proud of him for the way he choose to respond and really don't think there was much more he could do. My husband asked if he had a sponsor or someone else in the program he could call. He also asked if he should call his wife. His friend didn't seem interested in either suggestion and seemed a bit annoyed with my husband for the questions. Our interaction ended there.

This brought back a memory from quite some time ago when my husband relapsed and called a friend to go out drinking with him. What did this friend do? He went out drinking with him. That night ended up a horrible night. When I saw that friend that evening as he returned my husband home wasted, I looked at him and said, "What kind of friend are you?"

This all made me think about my recent conversation with my psychiatrist when he suggested that I practice leaning on others for support when I'm struggling with something. Walking out of that appointment I wondered if I was to turn to a friend, who would that friend be? Who is my best friend?

I typically have a hard time reaching out to a friend. Most of the time that is because I'm not ready to share what it is I'm struggling with. Reaching out to someone means you are ready to put yourself out there. If we are to really share our thoughts I believe that makes us quite vulnerable. That is much easier for me to do through this blog. To do it in person or by phone is a different story for me. Maybe because the real problem is whether or not I'm ready to hear any advice they may want to give me.

I'm also not sure who I would call. I have friends. I have many good friends. There are even a couple that I believe to be my best friends. What makes it hard for me to pick up the phone when I really need someone is I don't believe I'm that best friend to someone else. So...maybe I'm not very good at being there for others so why should I expect them to be there for me?

Honestly though, my best friend is my husband. I'm sure we all say that our spouse is our best friend, and they should be. There is great comfort in knowing that he gets me. I never need to explain myself to him...he just knows. When he came home the other night and saw the frustration in my face over my recent injury (sprained ankle) he looked at me and said, "Beth, this doesn't mean you're going to become fat." He knew my biggest concern was how long it would be before I could work out again and if I can't work out then the end result will be me gaining weight. I don't believe there is any other person in my life that would understand the direction my mind has gone as a result of a simple ankle sprain.

Friends...I think the point I'm trying to get to is leaning on a friend isn't alway the easiest thing. Sometimes friends may not give the best advice. Sometimes friends are to quick to give advice when all you really need is for them to listen. Sometimes friends think they are being a friend when in reality they are not.

But...I also know many times friends can be exactly what you need. I've been amazed by the friends I've made since becoming a military family and how even if not military related they are jumping in to provide support. These are individuals that I've only met once and span throughout the country, but I now can't imagine them not in my life.

I came across this quote...

“You can't always sit in your corner of the forest and wait for people to come to you... you have to go to them sometimes.” -- Winnie the Pooh

How do you change?

2011-07-01T09:46:00.000-07:00

Yesterday I had my monthly appointment with my psychiatrist. I referred to a comment made a couple weeks ago to me by my husband (I believe I actually shared on a previous blog). My husband said to me, “Why are you always so hard on yourself?”

When I mentioned this to my psychiatrist I said, “How do you change something that you have always been?”

In our sessions we have talked many times about me potentially considering going back to school. I admitted yesterday that what holds me back is I know that I would be unable to accept anything less than a straight A in any class I took. I did take a class several years ago and I did nothing but study in my free time, and I ended up with the 2^nd highest grade in the class. It is hard to imagine keeping up with that continual pressure.

For me, nothing I do is ever good enough. I could always do better.

We referred back to my eating disorder and I mentioned that I felt when I was in treatment it actually made me worse. Why is that? I did six weeks of extensive outpatient treatment and the group I was in treatment with mainly consisted of young teenage girls who were anorexic and barely weighed 90 lbs. Here was me struggling with bulimia and initially probably weighed about 120 lbs. My issue quickly became that I didn’t feel as though I belonged in this group because I wasn’t sick enough or thin enough. Being in this group taught me new bad habits and before you knew it I was barely 100 lbs. In my mind there was a feeling of success in that.

So how do you change something that you have always been?

The main suggestions he gave me were to try to lean on others more and to learn to replace those negative thoughts or actions with something positive.

I have a very difficult time opening up to others about my personal struggles…at least in person. I find it much easier to write about them, and even that doesn’t always come that easy. In terms of replacing those negative thoughts or actions I have been attempting to do this through prayer and spending time with God. If I’m struggling with something I pick up my daily devotions book and find comfort in reading from it.

Today, I picked it up and just went to a random page. The past couple days I have been in a really crappy mood because I recently sprained my ankle, which has left me not very mobile. It’s also that time of the month and well that never makes you feel good. One of the lines from the page I ended up on (February 16) was,

My Strength and Power show themselves most effective in weakness.

2 Corinthians 12:9

I then proceeded to another page (January 8), and it said,

Cling to hope, and My rays of Light will reach you through the darkness

Romans 15:13

It is still a bit uncomfortable for me to share my new faith, but this faith is what gives me strength. I keep starting to write, “I’m sorry.” But, why? I guess I’m sorry if writing about my faith pushes you away from me or from reading my blog. This faith gives me a sense of hope. This faith gives me a sense of comfort. Why should I apologize for that?

Cry to Jesus

2011-06-18T12:13:00.000-07:00

I have been struggling the past couple days with what I believe to be a poor decision on my part. The details of the poor decision are irrelevant, or at least I'm not ready to share the details.

The problem is when I believe I've made a poor decision I completely beat myself up for it. It becomes all I can think about. It drives me insane and makes all those negative feelings I tend to have about myself just come rushing back through me. I don't know how to describe the feeling of literally feeling uncomfortable in my own skin and wishing once again that I was someone else..some better.

My husband says to, "You need to relax." We actually ended up spending our evening last night barely speaking to each other after he made that comment. I know I need to relax, but I CAN'T. No matter how hard I try, I can't. It eats at me and makes me wish I could just go back in time and handle the matter differently.

It's a beautiful day here in Chicago and my son is home on leave, but instead of simply letting go this feeling I have of failing just consumes me.

Yesterday I opened up my Jesus Calling book believing that if I read some of the inspirational messages that it would help me let go of all I was feeling.

The devotional message for June 17th read as follow....

Learn to Laugh at yourself more freely. Don't take yourself or your circumstances so seriously. Relax and know that I am God with you. When you desire My will above all is, life becomes much less threatening. Stop trying to monitor My responsibilities--things that are beyond your control. Find freedom by accepting the boundaries of your domain.

Laughter lightens your load and lifts your heart into heavenly places. Your laughter rises to heaven and blends with angelic melodies of praise. Just as parents delight in the laughter of their children, so I delight in hearing My children laugh. I rejoice when you trust Me enough to enjoy your life lightheartedly.

Do not miss the Joy of My Presence by carrying the weight of the world on your shoulders. Rather, take My yoke upon you and learn from Me. My yoke is comfortable and pleasant; My burden is light and easily borne.

Proverbs 17:22; Proverbs 31:25; Matthew 1:23, Matthew 11:28-30 (AMP)

This feeling of failure, unfortunately, isn't that easy for me to let go of. This morning my husband said to me, "Why are you always so hard on yourself?" This just brought tears to my eyes and all I could think to say was, "Because I expect myself to be smarter than that."

We are in the midst of preparing for a BBQ to celebrate our sons 21st birthday. I'm trying very hard to relax and believe in God's presence with me.

On my way to the grocery store the following song came on by Chris Rice called, Come to Jesus.

Weak and wounded sinner
Lost and left to die
O, raise your head, for love is passing by
Come to Jesus
Come to Jesus
Come to Jesus and live!

Now your burden's lifted
And carried far away
And precious blood has washed away the stain, so
Sing to Jesus
Sing to Jesus
Sing to Jesus and live!

And like a newborn baby
Don't be afraid to crawl
And remember when you walk
Sometimes we fall...so
Fall on Jesus
Fall on Jesus
Fall on Jesus and live!

Sometimes the way is lonely
And steep and filled with pain
So if your sky is dark and pours the rain, then
Cry to Jesus
Cry to Jesus
Cry to Jesus and live!

O, and when the love spills over
And music fills the night
And when you can't contain your joy inside, then
Dance for Jesus
Dance for Jesus
Dance for Jesus and live!

Once again, I was crying while listening to this song. I want (I NEED) to believe in those words and no longer feel as though I'm constantly failing. So I did, I cried to Jesus and asked him take away the burdens that were consuming me. As I write this, I cry to him again and pray that those words to that song fill my thoughts instead. I would much rather be unable to contain the feeling of joy inside.

Happy Flag Day and Happy Birthday to the US Army

2011-06-14T08:49:00.000-07:00

I know I've said this before, and probably many times, but it still amazes me that this is the type of things I right about these days. I really never expected to end up a military family.

A Navy Mom pointed out this morning that we will be approaching the six month mark since our group began Boot Camp and how far our Sailors have come since that time. I clearly remember how excited we all were the day we received that "I'm A Sailor" call. At that point we were only days from watching them graduate. That group of Sailors (PIR 3/18/11) are each off on their own journey of new experiences with the Navy throughout the country and worldwide. I'm so thankful for the group of friends I have made and that we are able to be there for each other through each step of our Sailors journey.

My Sailor is now home for a visit. It is wonderful to have him home again. At the same time I think there is so much pressure that comes with these visits. There are obviously lots of people that want to see him...mainly his girlfriend and friends. I would love to have him all to myself, but I know I have to share. When I do have time with him I'm stressed to make sure I make every moment count. I asked him what all he would like to do while he is home. The list kept growing, and I felt like a majority of the items were things that he would enjoy doing more with friends...or at least things that he typically would do with friends.

When we got home I decided to make a schedule for each day of his leave. Can we fit everything in? There is also the concept of not going broke trying to make the most of his visit. In addition, he will be celebrating his 21st birthday while he is home. Do I buy him a present or does the cost of the flight home qualify as a birthday present? He has mentioned how he would love an Ipad. As his mother I'd love to make sure we did all the things he wanted to do while home, and be able to buy him that Ipad, but realistically I can't do it all. As I said, I feel as though a lot of pressure comes with these visits. Not necessarily from him, but pressure I put on myself.

Here are some pictures from his visit so far...

I'm just SO thankful to have him home!!

And, back to Flag Day! Wish we had the new flag pole already that my hubby is purchasing. Would be nice to fly our new American Flag high and proud today!! Soon though.

It's Tuesday at 10:45 a.m. I took the week off to be with my Sailor...he is still in bed. LOL. I think it is time to wake him up and tell him he has to spend time with his mom now.

LIFE IS GOOD!

My thoughts for the day

2011-06-09T18:42:00.000-07:00

It has been a crazy couple weeks and I just haven't had much time to sit down to blog. The thought has occurred to me that I think I need re-think the purpose of this blog, or what I'm really trying to accomplish through this blog. Initially I believe it was my attempt to reach out to others and through my experiences quite possibly I could make a difference in someones life as they might connect with something I have shared. I think the problem with that intent is I spend so much time focusing on what I think I should say instead of just writing from the heart...really putting out there my daily thoughts and feelings.

I tend to get caught up on whether or not anyone is reading my blog...I think I really only have a few true followers. If I was doing this blog for the purpose of my own growth and treated it more as a personal blog of my real thoughts and passions just for my own benefit then does it really matter to me how many people are reading it? Yes, my passion still remains the same--to really make a difference, and maybe I can still accomplish that through this blog, but I think for purposes of not stressing so much about what I'm expressing I need to focus on just saying what is on my mind. I think that all made sense.

So Beth, what is on your mind tonight? Just write...don't worry about spelling or any grammatical errors...just write what is on your mind!!

It is Thursday evening and almost 8:00 p.m. My day has been a busy one. I had a busy day at work and then came home to continue working at my part-time job....bookkeeping. I'd love to give this part-time job up, but the extra money is hard to give up. That fabulous husband of mine made a wonderful dinner. He really is a good cook!! But, where is my mind at? My past couple days have been focused on knowing my Sailor is coming home for a visit soon!!!!!! I can't wait to see Zack walk through that front door. He will be home for about 12 days. I know that time will go by so quickly and it will be so hard to say good-bye again when our time comes to an end. I'm so thankful though that he is able to come home. When I go on the Navy For Moms site there are several months that haven't seen their Sailor for almost a year. I can't even imagine going that long without seeing him.

Last weekend I attended my first Blue Star Mom's meeting. It was so wonderful to be able to connect with other military moms in the area. I almost felt a bit guilty though when I stood up and introduced myself and said that my Sailor was safe in DC for the next two years. A majority of the moms there had a son or daughter currently deployed. My heart goes out to them, but I can't completely relate to everything they share as I haven't had to go through that experience yet. However, I do understand the pain of that separation from your child. As hard as it is for me to just be separated from my son I believe I can understand how that pain can multiply when they are deployed. I have to believe that just being there provides them a source of comfort and I know that becoming a part of that group now will make such a difference in my ability to coop once my time does come.

Zack's return on Saturday conflicts with a family commitment. Once I realized this the first words out of my mouth were that I simply couldn't make this other commitment. How do I turn around and leave for the evening as soon as he gets home? What has been bothering me is I'm not sure if my family understands that. I really don't want to be guilty of letting my family down. I know any other military mom would completely understand my decision. That is what is so wonderful about those connections. We just simply understand. Your life comes to a complete stop for that military member in the family. The next twelve days for me will be all about Zack. My life will come to a stop for him. It has to. What if I were to not have those moments again...or if those moments didn't take place for another six months to a year?

I could get into how many who are not a military family compare this experience to sending your child off to college. While there are times I can understand that comparison...it simply is not the same. But, I don't think you can fully understand that unless it became a reality for you. This is what draws me to other military family members. I need that connection. I need to be around people that I know understand all the emotions that go along with being a military family.

Again, I'm so ready for Zack to walk through our front door. I'm so ready to wake up in the morning and find him sleeping in his bed. I'm so ready to have him there again with us for our weekly dinner at Munchies (a local pizza joint.) I'm so ready to wrap my arms around him and as another Navy Mom said, "squeeze the stuffing out of him." I won't be ready for the time together to end, but I will make every day I do have with him count. I will make sure that every second I have him here with us that he knows how much I love him and how incredibly proud of him I am.

It is now approaching 8:30 p.m. and I seriously think once I lie down I will be asleep within minutes. A song just came to my mind though...I use to play this song when putting the kids to bed when they were babies. Thinking of this made me want to share my all time favorite picture too (after the lyrics). I love you Zackary and Jeremy!! I'm one lucky mom!

Now it's time to say goodnight
Goodnight, sleep tight
Now the sun turns out his light
Goodnight, sleep tight
Dream sweet dreams for me
Dream sweet dreams for you.

Close your eyes and I'll close mine
Goodnight, sleep tight
Now the moon begins to shine
Goodnight, sleep tight
Dream sweet dreams for me
Dream sweet dreams for you.

Close your eyes and I'll close mine
Goodnight, sleep tight
Now the sun turns out his light
Goodnight, sleep tight
Dream sweet dreams for me
Dream sweet dreams for you.

Goodnight, goodnight everybody
Everybody everywhere
Good night

In need of a Do Over

2011-06-01T04:09:00.000-07:00

Monday was the National Memorial Day Parade in Washington, D.C. which was televised live on the Military Channel and Pentagon Channel. My amazing Sailor was marching in the parade. But…I MISSED IT! I have no good reason for missing it other than being a bit distracted on time. Scott and I got in the car to make a quick run to the store and then head to my parents to watch the parade. When we got in the car I realized the parade was about to start and what I should have done at that moment was turn the car around and just watched at home. Instead…I somehow led myself to believe that I wouldn’t miss anything. What the heck was I thinking???? I had watched two live parades over the weekend and should have been smart enough to realize that the military marches first.

My weekend was completely focused in recognizing what Memorial Day was all about….remembering those that made the ultimate sacrifice and thanking those that have served and continue to serve.

On Saturday we attended the Chicago Memorial Day Parade. We had a perfect spot to watch and thankfully the rain held out until afterwards.

On Monday I attended the Memorial Day Parade in Arlington Heights with another military family. The ceremony following the parade was a perfect tribute to those that gave their life for our freedom. It made my morning to share in that experience with a fellow military mom! I should also thank my brother for allowing us to camp outside his house for the parade.

It was after the parade on Monday that I should have remained home to watch the live telecast of the parade in Washington, D.C. When I realized I missed my Sailor, which came when I received a text from him saying…. “Well?” I was heartbroken. I still thought at this point that there was a chance to see a replay of the parade.

We spent the rest of Memorial Day with the same military family I attended the parade with and had a wonderful afternoon. Those connections mean so much to me.

When we returned home that evening I eventually realized that seeing a replay of the parade was not going to happen. Trust me; I spent at least an hour trying. The only channel that was showing a replay was one that my cable network provided….I called them to confirm as I was ready to pay any price to add it. In all my searching I had actually found a YouTube video and was feeling very hopeful as my son’s platoon was beginning to walk up. If that video would have gone another minute or two it would have been wonderful, but it cut out before I could see my son. Unfortunately, my poor husband had to deal with my bad mood. I believe he thought I was mad at him or blamed him, but that wasn’t the case. I was just so disappointed in myself and ended up taking it out on him.

My saving grace came from a wife of a Sailor that was marching with my son. She posted a commented that she was at the parade and would be sharing pictures. I quickly responded saying, “THANK YOU.” I was so happy to wake up to those amazing pictures. I was so nervous that I wouldn’t see him, but I did!!! (My Sailor is 1st Row, 2nd from the right)

My added saving grace came when another military family member said she could send me a DVD of the parade. I’m keeping my fingers crossed that she doesn’t run into any problems because I really want that DVD. However, that news hasn’t stopped me from sending an email to every site that televised it asking them if there was some way to get my hands on a link to a video of the parade or to purchase a copy. I finally received a relatively hopeful, and very kind, email from one of the networks.

Hi Beth:

You won’t be able to view the parade on the website but we’re going to try to find someone who may be able/willing to sell you a DVD, but it’ll take some time to see if this is possible. If you don’t hear back from me (or someone who references me) by the end of June, unfortunately, you should assume we couldn’t find such a person.

But we hope to happily resolve this for you.

This shortly followed by another email that said they had contacted the organization that hosted the parade and they indicated they would send me a copy of the DVD at no charge. J

Maybe it seems trivial to some that I would be so upset about not seeing the 5 seconds I probably would have seen of my son marching by. To me, I feel as though it was one of those I failed as a mom moments. How could it not have been my ultimate priority to be ready to watch the live feed of the parade from the moment it started? How could I have not turned the car around when I realized what time it was? I would do anything to go back in time and have that small span of time play out differently. I cried several times over the next 24 hours because I really wanted a do over. Even when I get my hands on a copy of the DVD, in my mind it isn’t the same as experiencing it live on TV. The only thing better would have been being in Washington, D.C.

I’m actually feeling better a bit better knowing my persistence paid off and I will soon be able to see my Sailor in that parade. I CAN’T WAIT! I’m also so incredibly happy knowing that it is looking as though he will be home in a couple weeks for a visit. I really do miss him and am more than ready to have him walk through that front door!!

LIFE IS GOOD!

BELIEVE

2011-05-25T18:04:00.000-07:00

I get up every morning and the first thing I do (after a shower) is get myself a large cup of coffee. I simply cannot officially start my morning until I have that cup of coffee in hand.

From there I log on to the computer and catch up on Facebook. I was not previously a Facebook user, but I am now quite addicted as it allows me to keep in touch with new military friends. I have “liked” various government, community, non-profit organizations and public figure pages these past several months that keep me both informed on everything military related and provide me with inspirational messages to begin my day.

Based on a recommendation from the ladies group I attend at church, I purchased a book called, Jesus Calling, by Sarah Young. This is a book of devotions for every day of the year. I read these messages every morning to help build my relationship with Jesus Christ. While at work I have the Christian radio station, K-Love, playing on my computer. For the first time ever…I now have my own Bible.

My favorites section on Internet Explorer is now sorted by Army, Navy, Military and Personal. Each of these folders contains links to websites that I have come across and refer back to often. The websites under Personal all help motivate and inspire me. Each morning I go to a website called, The Daily Motivator, by Ralph Marston. Yesterday when I went to this website the message for the day was titled “Exceptional Life.”

If you want to get lost in the crowd, do what has already been done. If you want to have plenty of competition, do only what is easy. If, on the other hand, you wish to stand out from the crowd, listen to your own unique voice. If you wish to be an exceptional leader, be willing to take on the most difficult challenges. Do you want people to pay attention to what you’re saying? Then speak from your heart, and speak the truth in a way that has never been heard before. The way to be truly exceptional is to be yourself. The way to be memorably impressive is to act upon and fulfill your own best intentions. There is real, exceptional greatness already within you. Through your own efforts, with your own commitment and integrity, you can let that greatness flow out from you and into magnificent achievements. You always have the option of living an exceptional life. With your attitude, with your thoughts, with your actions, choose that option now and always.

As you are all aware, I have also been in the process of listening to an audio tape by author and life coach Mike Robbins, Be Yourself, Everyone Else is Taken. I actually finished this audio tape yesterday as I was arriving at my monthly appointment with my counselor. The last step that Mike Robbins gives to lead an authentic life is, “Celebrate Yourself.”

My brother also recently made me aware of another self-help author, Jon Gordon. While making my way through his website I came across a newsletter that shares the concept of coming up with one word that for the next year will give meaning and focus to your life. The word should represent what we hope to accomplish and who we want to be. You are not support to randomly pick a word, but let the word come to you.

Yesterday in my session with my counselor I shared all the above with him. I shared with him that I go through this process every day to try and drown out that voice that continually tries to bring me down. Mike Robbins refers to this voice as our “Gremlin.” I looked at my counselor, who I have been seeing on and off for over ten years now, and asked, “Why? Why can I not get rid of this gremlin? At what point in my life will I finally believe that I am good enough just the way I am.”

My word, what Jon Gordon shared we should all have each year, came to me.

My word is BELIEVE.

I need to BELIEVE that I can lead an exceptional life

I need to BELIEVE that there is greatness already within me

I need to BELIEVE that I am already much more than is required

I need to BELIEVE in my ability to inspire…to have an impact

I need to BELIEVE that I can live an overflowing life…an authentic life

I need to BELIEVE in the presence of God in my life

Yesterday’s daily devotion from Jesus Calling, went like this:

“The World is too much with you, my child. Your mind leaps from problem to problem to problem, tangling your thoughts in anxious knots. When you think like that, you leave Me out of your world-view and your mind becomes darkened. Though I yearn to help, I will not violate your freedom. I stand silently in the background of your mind, waiting for you to remember that I am with you. When you turn to My Presence, your load is immediately lighter. Circumstances may not have changed, but we carry your burdens together. Your compulsion to “fix” everything gives way to deep, satisfying connection with Me. Together we can handle whatever this day brings.”

Isaiah 41:10; Zephaniah 3:17; Psalm 34:19

I really need to BELIEVE in the presence of God in my life.

BELIEVE, BELIEVE, BELIEVE

This is my word. While we are just about half way through this year….this will be my word for the rest of the year.

I need to BELIEVE. I need to BELIEVE that who I am is worth celebrating.

Patriotism

2011-05-22T17:05:00.000-07:00

With Armed Forces Day behind us and Memorial Day coming up I felt this was a topic I should write about.

The dictionary describes Patriotism as: devoted love, support, and defense of one's country; national loyalty.

Prior to becoming a military family I didn’t give that word a lot of thought as to what it really means. As a family we celebrate all the holidays such as Memorial Day and July 4^th, but it has always been more about a reason to get together with family and friends. I never really focused on what those days actually meant. I’ve always loved the music that is played at July 4^th parties, and love an excuse to watch great fireworks. But, again, it really never held some significant meaning to me.

I believe I shared that when Zack was in high school there were many occasions that Scott would bring up him enlisting in the Navy as an option. I have always been grateful to those that made the choice to serve our country, but did not want my son to be one of those people. We had many arguments on this topic.

There are many when asked why they enlisted that respond by saying it was something they always wanted to do. This was not the case for Zack. After Zack completed high school he did not go on college and had a hard time maintaining a decent job. This became rather frustrating for us as his parents because we wanted more for him. We wanted to see him have a desire to want more for himself.

When the topic was raised again of considering the Navy as an option this time Zack indicated that he was willing to consider it but that he knew I was against it. It was then that I agreed to meet with a recruiter. Remarkably, I was quickly sold because I was able to see a future for him. While Zack also seemed excited, I think for some time he was still not sure that this was what he wanted. There are times I feel as though we pressured him into making the decision to enlist. To us, it really did seem like the best option for him. It always amazed me how I went from fighting it to really wanting this for him.

Zack made the decision to enlist, but several months before he was scheduled to leave for Boot Camp he broke his collar bone and his contract was cancelled. I believe now that this was a blessing. After he recovered from his injury he enlisted again and gradually I could see him becoming more excited about what lied ahead for him. Gradually it seemed to become something he wanted to do.

During this time, I was also informed by Scott of his desire to enlist. Here I was, someone that previously fought this discussion with all my might, and now I was preparing to become both a military wife and mom.

The word Patriotism began to mean something to me.

There is obviously a great deal of fear when I think about what Scott and Zack had decided to do. But, when I watched them raise their right hand and swear to protect our country, the pride for what they were doing began filling up inside of me and that pride is now overflowing.

I was bursting with pride the day I watched Scott become an American Soldier.

I was bursting with pride the day I watched the Liberty Hall gates open at the Great Lakes Training Command and saw my new Sailor for the first time in eight weeks. The screams of excitement from Jeremy (my younger son) as he saw his brother walked past us were beautiful beyond words.

The pride in Scott and Zack’ eyes and in the way they stood so tall brought me the greatest joy I’ve ever experienced.

I then began to witness the reactions by others when they saw them in uniform. While Zack was on liberty there were several occasions when people would come up to him to shake his hand and thank him for his service. While out to breakfast a retired Marine even paid for our entire meal as a means of saying Thank You. Scott and I attended National Day of Prayer at our church and when they were praying for our military members of the congregation came up and placed their hands on Scott and said a prayer for him.

Witnessing these moments has made me want to do everything I can to show my gratitude to these individuals and to their families.

Ø I now serve as the Family Readiness Group Leader for Scott’s unit and thoroughly enjoy everything I’m learning

Ø Scott and I have started a fundraiser to collect unused cell phones that are then recycled and the money is used to send phone cards to our forces that are deployed overseas.

Ø Scott and I are volunteering at an upcoming event, “Operation Support Our Troops.”

Ø I plan to join the local chapter of the Blue Star Mothers, which is an organization for mothers who have a child serving or who have served.

I get excited about any opportunity I come across that allows me the chance to show my support….an opportunity to show my PATRITISM.

Yesterday, on Armed Forces Day, I took such pride in knowing that when people around our country took a moment to salute and thank our Armed Forces, that those thoughts also included my family. I thought about all the friends I’ve made these past months and wished I could reach out and hug each and every one of them as I fully understand now the sacrifices that are made by those that serve and the family members serving at home.

"On Armed Forces Day, let us salute the Soldiers, Sailors, Airmen, Marines, and Coast Guardsmen who perform their duties with impeccable courage, commitment, and character, and recognize our moral obligation to serve them and their families as well as they have served us."

As we approach Memorial Day I’m honored to say that my son is one of the newest Ceremonial Guards playing a direct role in paying tribute to our fallen. The pride I feel in knowing that just can’t be expressed in words.

For me days like Armed Forces Day and Memorial Day are no longer just a reason to celebrate with family and friends. They are about so much more.

I came across a Memorial Day blog and the writer, Cassie Grainger, ends this blog by saying, “On this Memorial Day, as you enjoy the time off with family; remember that this day of remembrance is about recognizing our fallen heroes and all of the veterans, past and present, who have served and sacrificed for our country.”

My Communication Barriers

2011-05-20T17:14:00.000-07:00

The other day I working on completing an Army Family Team Building (AFTB) online training program and there was a module on communication. There were two points that stood out to me in this module:

· Every action you take communicates a message. For example, body language, smiling, frowning, rolling your eyes or the tone of your voice sends a message.

· Effective communication is a two-way street. This means that if we want to be heard, we also have to listen.

I’m probably going to end up going multiple directions with this particular blog, and I’m touching on something that is difficult to share because of potential family members that may end up reading this. But…I’m going to be truthful and put my feelings out there.

“Truth is about how we feel and what is real for us. Truth is not about being right, it’s about expressing what we think and feel in an authentic, vulnerable, and transparent way.”

--Mike Robbins

When going through this training module I could tell it was touching on subject that was a bit sensitive to me. I will relate back to this audio book I’ve been listening to as well. (“Be Yourself, Everyone Else Is Taken”) In the audio book Mike Robbins talks about being in touch with your fears and taking ownership of them, instead of always running from them.

What does communication have to do with fear?

I don’t consider myself a good communicator in any way. I believe it is my fears that prevent me from effectively being able to communicate. My fear of saying the wrong thing or sounding like a complete idiot stops me from sharing whatever thoughts I may actually have. I’m not sure what type of messages I’m sending out when involved in a conversation, but I have a hard time believing they are positive one.

I’d like to say I’m a good listener, but I’m not sure I really am. Do I focus completely on the person speaking to me? I’m easily distracted and because of my fears of saying the wrong things I’m typically focused on coming up with an appropriate response. If I’m thinking about how I should respond, then I’m obviously not listening very well. This difficulty is intensified when with a large group of people. In these settings there are multiple conversations taking place and I’m focused on trying to decide what conversation I feel the most comfortable in.

I come from a large family…one of ten children. My family is a very close family; however, I struggle with feeling as though I belong. I feel as though every one of my siblings has a particularly close relationship with another sibling…the one they call on both those good and bad days. I don’t feel as though I have that type of relationship with any of my siblings, or at least that I’m not the one they choose to call to share their good and bad days. When the family is together I’m jealous of those relationships and feel significantly left out.

I came across a blog by Mike Robbins (remember…my new favorite author/lifecoach) that was about letting go of blame. He says, “Blame is about avoiding responsibility and not dealing with the real issues at hand.” There have been many times that I’ve probably blamed my family for the way I feel when with them. When I hear that certain family members are getting together and haven’t called us to join them I blame them for leaving us out. I’ve blamed them many times for my decisions to avoid family gathering, mainly due to believing most of them are not fond of Scott.

I’ve come to realize though that the blame has been pointed in the wrong direction. I’ve come to realize because of my fears I’ve continually pushed myself away from my family because that seemed easier than confronting my fears. What are those fears? It is the same fear I’ve shared many times…a fear of not being good enough—a constant fear that I don’t measure up to everyone else.

Again, the blame has been pointed in the wrong direction. The only person responsible for whatever separation I feel from my family is ME. I’m the one that has continually pushed them away.

I have tried on occasions to do what was more comfortable and that was to spend time with family members on more of a one-on-one basis. This type of setting is easier for me, whether it is family, friends or whomever. I just simple don’t do well in large group settings.

Scott and I had recently planned an evening out with one of my sisters and her husband. I was very excited and was ready to step a bit out of my box and push myself to just be me. Now even in a smaller setting I still have to set myself up for the evening. We were going downtown for the evening which meant it was even more important to me to look good. For someone with HUGE body image issues this is incredibly stressful. But, I was even honest with my sister about my stress and she helped by picking out an outfit for me that I felt comfortable in and felt good about how I looked. With a little bit of wine in me as we headed out I was feeling great about the evening. As my sister said the following morning, “here is a great picture of us before your world started to spin.”

It was obviously easier to relax with some wine in me. Problem was, I had way too much wine and within two hours of arriving at our destination I was not in good shape…okay, I was in horrible shape. We left my sisters at 6pm that evening and we were back at her house by about 9pm.

In addition to being incredibly hung over the next day I was embarrassed and disappointed in myself for once again blowing the opportunity to have a real connection with a family member. There is this part of me that believes I have so much making up to do to convince them that I am a good person and that I really do love each and every one of them. Instead, that evening made me want to push away again.

There are times I think when I’m writing it may come across as though I’m looking for sympathy. I promise you, I am not looking for sympathy. This is all about discovering why I allow myself to believe I am not good enough, figuring out who I really am and allowing myself to let go of everything that has held me back from being the real me.

There are times I feel guilty for being overly absorbed in my own life and that this is what has resulted in me not having close relationships with my family. I’m always quick to share the joys and accomplishments of my family (Scott, Zack and Jeremy). I’m not as good at celebrating those moments for others. I’m definitely not good at being there during the difficult times, but that is only because of my lack of confidence in being able to say the right words to provide comfort.

Mike Robbins (you may get tired of hearing about him, or maybe I will convince you to buy his book) suggests an exercise in your journey of learning to be authentic of writing down how you would respond to the comment, “If you really knew me.” I’ve been working on this exercise all week and I’m having a very difficult time with it. The first thing I wrote down was, “if you really knew me you would know that I’m scared of just about everything.” I have a feeling I need to be a bit more specific, but we will get to that in the next blog.

What really scares me at this moment, based on all my fears and my inability to be authentic, is do I stand a chance of really being able to have an impact on the world?